A girl does not treat a possible lover with unvarying simplicity

In the great and timeless dance of human emotion, few things are as profoundly intricate and layered as love. Thomas Bailey Aldrich, in his wisdom, reminds us of this complexity when he states: "A girl does not treat a possible lover with unvarying simplicity and directness. In all its phases, love is complex; friendship is not." These words speak to a deep understanding of human nature—that love, unlike friendship, is a multifaceted and often confusing journey, fraught with contradictions, uncertainties, and changes. Friendship, in contrast, is marked by a simplicity and directness that makes it both accessible and enduring.

In the ancient world, philosophers often discussed the nature of love and friendship, recognizing their differences in a way that resonates with Aldrich’s statement. Plato, in his Symposium, famously explored the nature of love (or eros), describing it not as a simple emotion, but as a complex force that shapes the soul, pushing individuals to seek beauty, truth, and wisdom. Eros, according to Plato, was not about simplicity, but about the journey towards a higher understanding—a force that could drive individuals to madness, ecstasy, and transformation. On the other hand, friendship, or philia, was something more stable, rooted in mutual respect and shared virtue, and not marked by the same overwhelming intensity as love.

Consider the story of Achilles and Patroclus, whose bond in the Iliad was both a friendship and a form of love, though it was never fully defined by the romantic complexities that Aldrich alludes to. Their connection was intense, yet it did not suffer from the uncertainties and contradictions of romantic love. Instead, it was grounded in shared courage, loyalty, and the deep understanding that comes from mutual respect. Achilles, when faced with the death of his beloved friend Patroclus, experiences a profound grief, not because of romantic love, but because of the simplicity and depth of friendship—a relationship that does not need to be defined by the complications that often mark romantic love.

In contrast, the complex nature of love can be seen in the tragic story of Romeo and Juliet, two young lovers whose intense and impulsive emotions led them to tragic ends. Their love, though deep, was fraught with confusion, secrecy, and societal obstacles, each phase of their relationship marked by its own challenges. Unlike friendship, which might grow steadily and with a clear understanding of mutual respect, love between Romeo and Juliet was constantly in flux, full of contradictions and, ultimately, destruction. This is the nature of romantic love—a force that shapes, evolves, and often confounds even the most noble of intentions. Aldrich’s reflection captures this truth: love is not something simple or easily understood; it is a complex force that exists in phases, shifting with the passage of time and the pressures of circumstance.

While love is complex, friendship, as Aldrich suggests, is far simpler in its nature. Aristotle spoke of philia as the highest form of relationship, built on shared virtue and a mutual love for the good in life. Unlike romantic love, which is often subject to emotional turmoil, friendship is grounded in stability and truth. A true friend, according to Aristotle, does not seek to possess the other, nor is their relationship based on fleeting desires. Instead, friendship is about shared understanding, respect, and the deep connection that comes from a love for each other's character. In friendship, there is no uncertainty or confusion; rather, there is a straightforwardness that makes it one of the most enduring and trustworthy of human relationships.

The lesson to be learned from Aldrich’s words is the recognition of the inherent complexity of love and the simplicity of friendship. While romantic love can overwhelm us, confuse us, and lead us into uncharted emotional waters, friendship provides a stable ground. This is not to say that love is without its beauty or value—it is a force that shapes and enriches our lives—but it is, as Aldrich so astutely points out, a force that is never without its challenges. Friendship, on the other hand, allows us to navigate the complexities of life with a steady hand, offering a refuge where we are understood for who we are, free from the expectations and emotional intensity that often accompany romantic relationships.

In our own lives, we must recognize the value of both love and friendship, understanding their distinct roles in our emotional landscape. We must embrace the complexity of love, recognizing that its phases can be challenging, yet transformative. But we must also cherish friendship, with its simplicity and clarity, as the foundation upon which we build our connections with others. By honoring both the complexity of romantic love and the steadiness of friendship, we can cultivate relationships that not only endure but elevate our lives, bringing us joy, growth, and the richness of shared human connection.