A man who pretends to understand women is bad manners. For him

The words of Henry James — “A man who pretends to understand women is bad manners. For him to really understand them is bad morals.” — fall like a wry smile wrapped in wisdom. James, the great novelist of human intricacies, knew that the mystery of the heart resists easy definitions, and that the attempt to reduce women to something fully knowable is both arrogant and dangerous. His words remind us that the sacred cannot be dissected without losing reverence.

The meaning is twofold. First, it is poor courtesy for a man to boast that he knows the depths of women, for such a claim belittles their complexity and suggests a false mastery. Second, James warns that to truly try and “understand” them — to grasp them as one might a puzzle to be solved — is not only presumptuous but immoral, for it treats human beings as objects to be conquered rather than souls to be honored. In this paradox, he teaches that love and respect are not about control, but about awe before mystery.

History provides a mirror to this truth. Consider the fate of Anna Karenina in Tolstoy’s great work. Men around her sought to explain her choices, to judge her passions, to frame her within the tidy limits of morality and reason. Yet their claims of “understanding” her only deepened her isolation and tragedy. Tolstoy, like James, shows us that women cannot be reduced to the simple categories men often impose upon them. To claim such knowledge is to commit both the rudeness of dismissal and the immorality of domination.

James himself lived in a world where women were often seen as secondary, their voices suppressed beneath the weight of male interpretation. His irony cuts through that pretense: he unmasks the arrogance of the age, while also warning that the deeper danger lies in turning women into mere subjects of study rather than partners in dignity. What is required is not false comprehension, but humility, respect, and recognition of the soul’s endless depth.

Let this wisdom endure: do not seek to fully “understand women” as though they were problems to be solved, but seek instead to honor them as mysteries to be cherished. For in mystery lies reverence, and in reverence lies love. Henry James’s words, though wrapped in wit, carry the eternal lesson that true respect is found not in mastery, but in humility before the boundless depth of another soul.