Because you're not what I would have you be, I blind myself to

"Because you're not what I would have you be, I blind myself to who, in truth, you are." These poignant words by Madeleine L'Engle speak to the universal human tendency to hold others to the standards of our own desires and expectations, rather than seeing them for who they truly are. L'Engle’s reflection delves into the nature of love, acceptance, and self-deception. To love or to understand another person is not to mold them into an image of our own making, but to see them clearly, in their full authenticity, even when they do not meet our ideals. Yet, how often do we blind ourselves to the truth of others, turning away from their real selves in favor of a version that fits our wishes? L’Engle challenges us to confront the gap between expectation and reality, and to seek to understand others in their truest form, free from the veil of our own prejudices.

In the ancient world, this struggle between idealization and reality was acknowledged by philosophers like Socrates and Aristotle. Socrates famously believed that to understand another, one must look beyond appearances and strive to know their soul, their true nature. He often used the Socratic method—a series of probing questions designed to strip away the falsehoods and assumptions people carried about themselves and others. Socrates’ wisdom tells us that to truly love or understand someone, we must not shape them in our image, but embrace their individuality. L'Engle’s words echo this ancient philosophy: when we fail to accept others for who they are, when we blind ourselves to their truth, we miss the opportunity to experience genuine connection and love.

Consider the Greek myth of Persephone, the daughter of Demeter, who was kidnapped by Hades and taken to the underworld. Demeter, in her grief and loss, refuses to accept the reality of Persephone’s change, viewing her as the daughter she once knew, rather than as a queen of the underworld. She holds on to her ideal image of Persephone and, in doing so, blinds herself to the complex reality of her daughter’s new life. This myth illustrates the danger of holding onto an idealized image of someone—one that prevents us from accepting their truth. In Demeter’s refusal to accept Persephone’s transformation, she isolates herself from the deeper, more complex bond she could have had with her daughter, were she able to see her for who she truly was.

In the modern world, we can see this tendency in the relationships people form with celebrities or public figures. Many people build entire identities around the projected images of famous figures, not based on who they truly are but on who they imagine them to be. Take, for instance, the celebrity culture that surrounds figures like Princess Diana or Elvis Presley. Millions adored these icons, yet how many truly understood the real struggles they faced behind the public facade? Just as Diana’s public image as the “People’s Princess” often clashed with her private challenges, so too can the worship of any public figure lead to a disconnect between perception and truth. When we worship the image rather than the person, we blind ourselves to the humanity behind the public persona.

The lesson in L’Engle’s words is one of acceptance and awareness. To love or to truly know another person is not to mold them into our expectations, but to witness and embrace them in their fullness, with all their flaws and complexities. This requires a deep humility—a willingness to let go of the fantasy and to accept the truth, however difficult or uncomfortable it may be. In doing so, we open ourselves to deeper connections, to more authentic relationships, where both people are free to be themselves, without the burden of false ideals.

In our own lives, we must ask ourselves: Do we see the people around us as they truly are, or do we impose our expectations and desires onto them? How often do we hold others to standards that we ourselves cannot meet? In our personal relationships, whether with family, friends, or partners, we must strive to see each other with clarity, without the blinding lens of what we want them to be. We must strive for compassion, knowing that the truest form of love comes not from molding others in our image but from embracing their authenticity.

L’Engle’s words are a call to release preconceived notions, to look beyond the surface and into the hearts and souls of those we love. In doing so, we honor the truth of their existence, and in return, we allow ourselves to be fully seen. The more we see others in their fullness, the more we invite the same acceptance into our own lives. Only then can we truly live in harmony, embracing the complex beauty of every person we encounter.