Every friendship goes through ups and downs. Dysfunctional

"Every friendship goes through ups and downs. Dysfunctional patterns set in; external situations cause internal friction; you grow apart and then bounce back together." These words spoken by Mariella Frostrup ring with a profound truth about the nature of friendship. They acknowledge what we all know deep down: that friendship, like any meaningful relationship, is not a straight path. It is a journey filled with turbulent moments and peaceful periods, sometimes tested by external forces, and other times challenged by the internal dynamics that shape the connection between two people. Frostrup captures the complexity of friendship—that it is not static, but rather an ever-evolving bond that requires effort, patience, and the willingness to grow through both the challenges and the joys that arise.

In the ancient world, friendship was often seen as a union of souls, one that transcended personal desires and external circumstances. Aristotle, in his writings, spoke of friendship as a relationship grounded in virtue—one that was forged not out of convenience or utility, but out of a shared commitment to the good. Yet even Aristotle, with his idealized view of friendship, recognized that such bonds would face trials. The ups and downs Frostrup speaks of are present in every human interaction, even among those who strive to live with the highest virtue. Friendships built on shared ideals must still navigate the complexities of human nature and external challenges. The great philosopher understood that friendship, while noble, was not immune to imperfection, and that its endurance was found not in the absence of conflict but in the way the bond adapted and grew stronger over time.

Consider the bond between Achilles and Patroclus, whose friendship in the Iliad was tested by war, jealousy, and the harsh realities of their world. Despite their loyalty to one another, their relationship experienced deep moments of tension, particularly when Achilles withdrew from battle out of anger at Agamemnon, allowing Patroclus to take his place. This was a period of separation and misunderstanding, yet Patroclus's death brought them back together in a way that was both tragic and redemptive. Achilles, in his grief, found his friendship with Patroclus renewed in a deeper understanding of their bond, which was now solidified in sacrifice and loyalty. This is a powerful illustration of Frostrup’s truth: that even the deepest friendships go through periods of estrangement but can bounce back stronger when the foundations of trust and affection remain intact.

Similarly, the relationship between David and Jonathan in the Bible serves as another example of a friendship tested by external pressures and internal conflict. Though the friendship between David and Jonathan was marked by loyalty and mutual admiration, it was strained by the dangerous politics of the time—especially the animosity between David and King Saul, Jonathan's father. Despite these external pressures, their bond was unbreakable, and in the end, their friendship became a powerful symbol of love and sacrifice. Their ups and downs were the result of circumstances beyond their control, yet their friendship endured because it was founded on deep, mutual respect and understanding. As Frostrup says, even when we grow apart, friendship can bounce back, provided the seeds of connection are strong.

In our own lives, we may find that friendships often go through cycles of closeness and distance. Dysfunctional patterns may emerge—whether through misunderstandings, jealousy, or the challenges of life—but the true test of a friendship lies in how it withstands these trials. Frostrup’s insight reminds us that friendship is not a fragile thing, to be easily discarded at the first sign of discord. Rather, it is a resilient bond that, when nurtured with patience, honesty, and forgiveness, can survive and thrive even through the most difficult of times.

The lesson we can draw from Frostrup’s words is one of endurance and growth. Friendships, like all relationships, require effort and care. They are not always easy, and they certainly are not free from conflict. But if we are willing to face the downs—to acknowledge the misunderstandings, to learn from the friction, and to be open to growth and reconciliation—we can find that friendship bounces back even stronger. The ups and downs are not signs of weakness in the bond, but rather, they are opportunities for the relationship to deepen, to mature, and to evolve into something even more meaningful than before.

In our own lives, we must learn to embrace the ebb and flow of our friendships. When we face difficulties, whether caused by external forces or internal tensions, we must not abandon these relationships, but instead, work through them with patience and understanding. We must recognize that friendship is not a static state, but a living, breathing connection that requires constant care and attention. And just as Achilles and Patroclus, or David and Jonathan, found their bonds enriched through struggle, so too can we find our own friendships flourishing when we approach them with a heart willing to endure and grow through the ups and downs of life.