I despise shows that present friendship where you're always there

"I despise shows that present friendship where you're always there for each other and really strong because I don't know anyone like that. I mean, I've got great friends, but I can go months without seeing them because I think, 'I just can't deal with having to give you anything.'" These words from Sharon Horgan express a deeper, more complex view of friendship—one that resists the idealized portrayal often seen in popular culture. In the world of entertainment, we are frequently presented with the image of friends who are always there for one another, no matter the circumstance, unwavering and infallible in their loyalty. However, Horgan challenges this portrayal, offering a more authentic view of what friendship really looks like—imperfect, sometimes distant, and at times, requiring more space than closeness.

In the ancient world, friendship was viewed not as a constant, all-encompassing bond, but as a relationship that required balance, wisdom, and understanding of human limitations. Aristotle, in his writings on ethics, distinguished between different types of friendships, among which the most meaningful were those based on virtue—where friends aided one another’s growth and self-improvement. Yet, Aristotle also acknowledged that such friendships were not without their moments of distance, as the pursuit of virtue and personal growth often required solitude and reflection. True friendship was not about constant closeness, but about a mutual understanding of when to offer support and when to allow space for individual growth.

Horgan’s discomfort with the portrayal of idealized friendships speaks to a deeper truth about human relationships: friendship is not a one-size-fits-all bond. The ancient Greeks understood that true companionship was not about perpetual proximity, but about the right kind of companionship at the right time. Socrates, for example, valued the friendship of Plato, but even in their deep bond, they recognized the need for individual reflection and introspection. In their dialogues, they often separated to explore different philosophical paths, only coming together when their minds were ready to engage once more. The friendship they shared was powerful because it allowed for distance when needed, and it was during these times of solitude that their bond deepened.

Horgan’s perspective on friendship challenges the false narrative of constant availability. She highlights an important reality—that true friends do not require the excessive emotional labor that is often portrayed in media. In real life, friendships can have periods of quiet, where friends may not speak for months or may drift in and out of each other’s lives. This is not a failure of the friendship, but a natural ebb and flow that allows each person to preserve their independence and selfhood. When friends are allowed space, the relationship is not weakened, but strengthened, because it is based on the trust that both individuals can exist outside of the constant need for each other. It is in this balance between closeness and distance that friendship flourishes.

Consider the friendship between David and Jonathan in the Bible. Their bond was built on loyalty, but it was not without moments of separation. Jonathan, though deeply loyal to David, had to part ways due to the political and familial tensions that surrounded them. Despite the distance between them, their friendship was never broken, and they remained devoted to each other, knowing that true friendship could endure even the toughest trials. This story of David and Jonathan is a reminder that friendship does not demand constant presence but thrives on a foundation of trust and mutual respect. The gaps in their relationship were not filled with resentment, but with understanding, that their paths would cross again when needed.

The lesson here is that friendship should not be seen through the lens of constant emotional labor or the expectation of being always present for one another. Rather, friendship is about being there for each other when it matters most and respecting the space each person needs to grow and be themselves. Horgan’s words invite us to reflect on how we approach our own relationships, encouraging us to embrace the imperfections of friendship and to recognize that, at times, distance is as important as closeness. Just as in the bonds of David and Jonathan, true friendship is about recognizing the value in both presence and absence.

In our own lives, we should seek to cultivate friendships that are grounded in understanding and acceptance—friendships that allow for personal growth and independence, while also providing loyalty and support when it is needed. We must not fall prey to the idealized and unrealistic portrayals of friendship found in the media. Instead, we should celebrate the friendships that are imperfect, those that ebb and flow, knowing that such connections can be far more profound and lasting than the ones based on constant proximity. The lesson is to find the balance between closeness and space, trust and freedom, loyalty and independence, and to nurture friendships that can weather the inevitable changes in life.