I just wasn't cut out to be a Chinese Tiger Mom. I'm more of an

The humorist and social philosopher P. J. O’Rourke, a man known for his wit wrapped in wisdom, once said: “I just wasn't cut out to be a Chinese Tiger Mom. I'm more of an Irish Setter Dad.” Though spoken in jest, these words carry a gentle truth about parenthood, expectation, and the nature of love. Beneath the humor lies the eternal struggle between discipline and freedom, between the strict hand that molds and the open heart that trusts. In this balance, O’Rourke captures a profound insight into how different souls approach the sacred duty of raising a child: not all are meant to forge steel; some are meant to nurture the bloom.

The origin of this quote comes in response to the cultural conversation ignited by Amy Chua’s famous book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother—a work that extolled the virtues of rigorous, uncompromising parenting rooted in discipline and achievement. Chua’s “Chinese Tiger Mom” became a symbol of parental ambition, of pushing children toward greatness through relentless standards. Against this image, O’Rourke presents himself as the “Irish Setter Dad,” a figure of warmth, humor, and loyal affection—a parent less concerned with mastery than with happiness. Through his self-deprecating contrast, he reveals a deeper truth: that love takes many forms, and that the measure of good parenting lies not in control, but in connection.

In the ancient way of teaching, this is the difference between the sculptor and the gardener. The sculptor chisels stone with precision, forcing it into the shape of perfection. The gardener, however, tends the soil, waters the roots, and allows nature to unfold in its own design. The Tiger Mom represents the sculptor’s art—sharp, intentional, and unyielding—while the Setter Dad embodies the gardener’s touch—gentle, patient, and trusting. Neither is wholly wrong, for both seek growth. Yet O’Rourke’s reflection reminds us that the soul of a child, like that of a flower, cannot be carved by will alone; it must be nourished by warmth.

History itself has seen this balance play out between rulers, teachers, and thinkers. Consider the philosopher Aristotle, who taught the young Alexander of Macedon. Aristotle sought to mold Alexander with discipline and intellect, giving him the knowledge of science, ethics, and politics. Yet it was Olympias, Alexander’s mother, who gave him the fire of belief—the passion that drove him to conquer and to dream. Without Aristotle’s rigor, Alexander might have been reckless; without Olympias’s love, he might have been soulless. So too in every household must the forces of discipline and tenderness meet, lest the heart of the child lean too far in one direction and lose its harmony.

O’Rourke’s words also speak to a humility that is rare in the modern age—the recognition that not all strengths are the same. To be an “Irish Setter Dad” is not to be lazy or indifferent, but to value joy, laughter, and presence over perfection. The Irish Setter, known for its warmth and boundless energy, is a creature that leads by companionship rather than command. In calling himself this, O’Rourke reminds us that raising children is not about shaping them into mirrors of our ambition, but about walking beside them, sharing the journey of becoming. For the child who is loved deeply and allowed to grow freely will, in time, find their own excellence.

And yet, his humor hides a wisdom that runs deeper still. For the Tiger Mom and the Setter Dad are not enemies—they are the twin forces of life itself: order and freedom, structure and spontaneity. One teaches endurance, the other teaches joy. A parent who can blend both—the firm hand and the open heart—gives their child the richest gift of all: the courage to strive, and the grace to laugh. The ancients might call this the Middle Way, the path between extremes where wisdom resides.

The lesson of O’Rourke’s reflection, then, is this: do not seek to parent, lead, or love according to another’s image. Be true to your nature, and let your love express itself authentically. If you are gentle, then teach through kindness; if you are strict, let your discipline spring from care, not fear. The goal is not to raise perfect beings, but to raise whole ones—to guide them with enough firmness to stand tall, and enough affection to remain kind.

Thus, as P. J. O’Rourke teaches with a smile, to be an “Irish Setter Dad” in a world of “Tiger Moms” is no failing, but a different kind of wisdom. It is the wisdom of those who understand that love, laughter, and presence often do more to shape a soul than pressure ever could. So, raise your children as you would tend a fire—not by smothering it with control, nor by leaving it untended, but by feeding it gently with warmth and air. In this balance, both the parent and the child learn to burn brightly—and to live freely.