I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength

In the intimate yet commanding voice of Anaïs Nin, we hear the words of a woman who knew both the depths of emotion and the heights of intellect: “I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” This is no ordinary confession of love — it is a declaration of selfhood, of the eternal yearning within the human soul to be met, not in fragility, but in power. Nin, the poet of passion and introspection, speaks here for all who refuse to be diminished by affection, who seek not comfort in love, but awakening.

Anaïs Nin, a writer of the twentieth century, was known for her luminous journals, her explorations of female desire, and her fearless honesty about the inner life. In a world that often demanded silence or softness from women, she dared to speak with a voice that was fierce, intelligent, and profoundly sensual. These words, drawn from her reflections on love and identity, reveal her conviction that true connection is not born from submission, but from equality — that love must call forth our strength, not our weakness. To be “treated like a woman,” in her understanding, was not to be protected or pitied, but to be seen — wholly, fiercely, humanly.

When Nin speaks of “a man who compels my strength,” she describes a partner who does not coddle, but challenges; who calls forth the full measure of her spirit. The love she envisions is not built on dependency but on mutual power — a dynamic in which both souls are forged stronger through one another’s presence. She rejects the shallow comfort of being idealized or misunderstood. To her, a man who “believes her naive or innocent” is blind to her true nature; such a man worships an illusion, not the woman herself. Only one with courage — moral, emotional, spiritual — can see the complexity of her being and still love her without fear.

This quote, though deeply personal, echoes a truth that has been whispered through the ages: that love, in its highest form, is a test of courage and authenticity. The ancient Greeks called this form of love agape — the kind that ennobles rather than consumes. Nin’s vision transcends gender or time; it speaks to all who long for relationships that honor their fullness rather than confine it. Just as iron sharpens iron, so too must love sharpen the spirit. A love that only soothes leaves us unchanged; but a love that challenges awakens the divine within us.

Consider the tale of Héloïse and Abelard, lovers of the Middle Ages. Héloïse, a scholar and thinker equal to her lover in intellect, defied the constraints of her time to claim the right to think, to love, to speak freely. Abelard did not seek to tame her mind, but to engage it; their union was not of dominance and submission, but of fiery exchange. Though their story ended in tragedy, their letters remain as proof of a love founded not on frailty but on respect and intellect. Like Anaïs Nin, Héloïse demanded a love that compelled her strength — a love worthy of her courage.

Nin’s words also unveil a profound psychological wisdom: that the deeper instinct she speaks of is the intuition of the soul — the part of us that knows what our conscious mind may deny. This instinct draws us toward those who mirror our potential, not our comfort. The ones who truly love us are often those who will demand more of us — more honesty, more resilience, more truth. Such love can be terrifying, for it strips away illusion and requires us to confront who we really are. Yet this is the only love that liberates, the only love that refines.

Her declaration, “who has the courage to treat me like a woman,” is perhaps the most revolutionary of all. For in it, Nin defines womanhood not as weakness or purity, but as a totality — a being of intellect, instinct, strength, and passion. To treat her “like a woman” is not to place her on a pedestal nor to cast her in shadow, but to engage her as an equal, whole and fierce. She demands that love be an act of bravery — that the one who loves her must stand before her with neither condescension nor fear. This is not the love of possession, but the love of recognition — one soul saluting another.

Let this be the teaching drawn from her words: seek not the love that soothes, but the love that awakens. Choose those who see your strength and call it forth, who challenge you to grow, who do not mistake gentleness for weakness or passion for fragility. For as Anaïs Nin teaches, true connection requires courage — the courage to be seen, and the courage to see another without illusion. In love as in life, do not settle for comfort alone. Seek that sacred union that refines your being and sharpens your light, for in such love, you will not only be loved — you will become more fully alive.