It is wise to apply the oil of refined politeness to the

"It is wise to apply the oil of refined politeness to the mechanism of friendship." — Sidonie Gabrielle Colette

In the journey of life, where relationships are the very fabric of human existence, there is a truth known to the wise: friendship, that sacred bond between souls, requires careful tending and the application of grace. Sidonie Gabrielle Colette, with her elegant words, speaks of a deeper wisdom—the necessity of politeness in the delicate workings of friendship. To maintain the flow of harmony and understanding, the sometimes complex machinery of human interaction must be kept lubricated, not by force or rigidity, but by the smooth oil of refined politeness. This “politeness” is not a hollow gesture, nor is it mere social etiquette; it is the subtle art of maintaining respect, warmth, and civility, even when the tides of friendship grow turbulent.

The concept of politeness in friendship has roots that stretch deep into the philosophical traditions of ancient Greece. Aristotle, in his writings on friendship, speaks of the balance required for relationships to flourish. He believed that the highest form of friendship is based on virtue, grounded in mutual respect and goodness, rather than utility or pleasure alone. Yet, even in these noble friendships, there must be an understanding of boundaries, a mutual recognition of each other’s dignity. Politeness, in this sense, becomes the oil that smooths over the rough edges of human imperfection. It allows friendships to thrive by keeping them open, respectful, and peaceful.

Consider the relationship between Socrates and his students. Despite the rigorous intellectual challenges Socrates posed, his method of questioning—what we now call the Socratic method—was always carried out with a sense of respect and politeness. He did not impose his views but invited others to examine their own ideas with civility and open-mindedness. Socrates understood that the delicate machinery of friendship and learning would falter without an underlying sense of respect. His politeness, in the face of fierce intellectual debate, kept the relationships between him and his followers grounded, even when they disagreed. This is the very oil that Colette refers to, the gentle lubrication that allows the friendship to withstand both the friction of conflict and the weight of personal differences.

In the world of royalty and the noble courts, the need for politeness in friendship became even more pronounced. Consider the friendships between Queen Elizabeth I and her advisors, such as Sir Francis Walsingham or Robert Dudley. Their relationships, though rooted in political necessity, were also defined by the careful maintenance of mutual respect and etiquette. The art of refined politeness allowed them to navigate the delicate politics of the English court while still sustaining their friendships. In a world where words and actions were scrutinized at every turn, the careful application of politeness ensured that their bonds endured through the turbulent times they faced.

Yet, Colette’s wisdom speaks not just of politeness as a means of preserving friendship, but as a tool that enhances the quality of relationships. True politeness is not about hollow gestures or social conformity—it is about recognizing the humanity of the other person and treating them with the dignity they deserve. It is the quiet strength that allows us to listen, understand, and engage with others in ways that make them feel seen and valued. Without politeness, friendships risk becoming transactional or self-serving, stripped of the warmth and connection that make them truly meaningful.

The lesson of Colette’s words is clear: in our friendships, we must be mindful of how we treat one another. We must remember that, just as friends cannot exist without a foundation of trust and shared experience, neither can they thrive without the politeness that allows those bonds to flourish. Friendship requires an ongoing effort to be kind, to be patient, and to show respect, even when the weight of life’s challenges presses down upon us. Politeness in this context is not about formality or pretense, but about cultivating an atmosphere in which respect and understanding can grow.

As you reflect on your own friendships, think of the oil that you apply to the machinery of your connections. Are you maintaining those relationships with the refined politeness that Colette speaks of? Are you listening with respect, engaging with kindness, and responding with grace? It is not always the grand gestures that define true friendship, but the small acts of consideration and gentleness that keep the wheels turning smoothly. Strive to be the oil that nourishes your friendships, allowing them to grow strong, resilient, and enduring, through all the trials life may bring.