Lasting love has to be built on mutual regard and respect. It is

"Lasting love has to be built on mutual regard and respect. It is about seeing the other person. I am very interested in relationships and, when I watch couples, sometimes I can sense a blindness has set in. They have stopped seeing each other. It is not easy to see another person," says Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, and in these words, she offers us profound wisdom about the nature of love, connection, and awareness. Love, she suggests, is not merely an emotion that blooms once and lasts forever without effort. Instead, it is an ongoing act of mutual regard, of choosing every day to truly see the other person, to understand their needs, their desires, and their complexities. True love thrives in the presence of this awareness and respect, for it is only through seeing one another fully that we can build a lasting bond.

The ancients understood this as well. The Greeks distinguished between different kinds of love, most famously with the concept of eros (romantic love) and agape (unconditional, selfless love). But there was also philia, the love rooted in deep friendship and mutual respect. The philosophers of ancient Greece believed that true love is not merely about passion or desire, but about seeing the other person as they are—acknowledging their humanity, their flaws, and their strengths. Socrates himself, in his dialogues, often spoke of how true wisdom and connection come not from self-interest but from understanding and appreciating the other. In the same vein, Adichie’s words underscore the idea that love must be grounded in seeing and understanding the person for who they truly are, and not simply what we want them to be.

Consider the ancient story of Odysseus and Penelope, which epitomizes the kind of love rooted in mutual respect and long-lasting connection. Throughout Odysseus’ years of wandering, Penelope, his wife, remained faithful, trusting that their love would endure despite the separation. When Odysseus finally returns home, disguised as a beggar, it is not just his appearance but the depth of their shared history and understanding that allows them to recognize each other. Penelope tests him, not because of doubt, but because their relationship has always been based on a shared understanding—a seeing of each other’s true essence, beyond the surface. This tale is a testament to the ancient belief that true love is not blind or passive but active—it involves seeing, understanding, and constantly choosing to remain connected despite the challenges of time and distance.

Similarly, in more recent history, the marriage of Eleanor and Franklin D. Roosevelt provides a modern example of a relationship built on mutual respect and awareness. Despite facing personal struggles and the complexities of public life, their relationship flourished because they saw each other—not just as partners, but as individuals with their own goals, strengths, and weaknesses. They understood that respect for one another’s work and beliefs, even when they were not in complete agreement, was the foundation of their bond. Their relationship, built on the solid ground of mutual regard, teaches us that love is not merely an emotion, but a choice—a commitment to seeing and respecting the other person, regardless of the difficulties they face.

Adichie’s words also speak to the danger of complacency in relationships. When couples stop truly seeing each other, they risk losing the connection that forms the heart of their bond. In many relationships, there comes a time when partners fall into the routine, where the deeper questions are no longer asked, and the emotional distance begins to grow. This "blindness" that Adichie speaks of is the slow erosion of the very thing that makes a relationship special: the awareness of one another’s needs, dreams, and insecurities. Love, in its truest form, is not passive—it requires work, effort, and continual engagement with the other person. It is a constant act of seeing, listening, and understanding, even when the world tries to pull us in separate directions.

The lesson here is profound: lasting love is not about perfect harmony, but about respect and active engagement with the other person. To truly love someone is to see them clearly, not through the lens of our own desires or expectations, but as they truly are. This means seeing the strengths and weaknesses, the joys and the fears, and still choosing to love and support them. Respect for the other person’s individuality and journey is the bedrock on which enduring relationships are built. True love is not static; it evolves and grows, and it requires continuous effort to see and acknowledge the other person as they are.

In our own lives, let us take this wisdom to heart. We must not allow ourselves to become blind to the people we love, whether it is a partner, family member, or friend. We must choose every day to see them—to listen, to understand, and to appreciate their unique selves. Respect their growth, their struggles, and their individual journey. Let us remember that love is not just a feeling, but a continuous act of engagement—an active choice to nurture the connection with the other person, to honor their humanity, and to build a relationship that can endure the tests of time. Only through this awareness and mutual regard can we hope to cultivate the kind of love that stands the test of time.