Love ceases to be a pleasure when it ceases to be a secret.

"Love ceases to be a pleasure when it ceases to be a secret." These words, spoken by the brilliant playwright Aphra Behn, speak to a truth that transcends the boundaries of time and culture. Love, in its most intense and captivating form, thrives in the realm of mystery and the unspoken. It is a force that binds two souls together in a space of shared intimacy—a space that is uniquely their own, a world that exists beyond the reach of others. Once love is revealed, once it is exposed to the scrutiny of the world, it loses its magic, its allure. For love to remain pure, it must retain a part of itself that is known only to those who share it.

In the ancient Greek tradition, love was often depicted as both mysterious and divine. The gods themselves were frequently embroiled in secret loves, relationships that existed outside the realm of human knowledge and intervention. Eros, the god of love, was portrayed as a force that ignited passion, often in a concealed manner, leaving the lovers to navigate their own, hidden world. Plato, in his Symposium, spoke of love not just as an emotion but as a mystical force that connects people in a way that goes beyond reason, a love that is both transcendent and secretive. The most powerful kind of love, in the ancient world, was the kind that bubbled up from within, unseen by others, burning with the intensity of something that was never meant to be shared.

Aphra Behn, in her wisdom, recognized that when love is exposed, when it is no longer a secret shared between two hearts, it begins to lose its intensity. The pleasure of love is rooted in the mystery that surrounds it—the stolen glances, the secret meetings, the silent promises exchanged under the cover of night. When that mystery is shattered by the world’s intrusion, the beauty of love is no longer as sharp, as raw. The magic fades, and love becomes an ordinary thing, subject to the expectations and judgments of those who have no claim to it.

Consider, for example, the relationship between Abelard and Heloise, whose love, though filled with passion and intellectual connection, was marked by secrecy. Their relationship began in secret, nurtured by their shared intellect and desire, hidden away from the prying eyes of society. When their love was exposed—first by Heloise’s pregnancy, and then by the tragic events that followed—the purity of their bond began to unravel. Abelard, once a revered philosopher, was castrated, and the lovers were separated. Their love, though still powerful, was never the same again. The world had taken from them the secret space they had created, and in that exposure, something was lost. In their letters to each other later in life, they both express a deep longing for the hidden love they once shared, a love that had been undisturbed by the world.

Aphra Behn’s quote draws upon this very truth: that the greatest pleasure of love lies in its secrecy, in the intimate and unspoken connection between two people. Love is a powerful force, and when shared only between lovers, it carries a charge, an intensity, that can never be matched when it is exposed to the judgment of others. The joy of love, when it remains a secret, is that it exists in a world that is uniquely and sacredly theirs, free from the pressure of the world’s expectations and opinions. The secret nature of love creates a space of purity, where the lovers can truly be themselves, vulnerable and unguarded.

The lesson to be learned from Behn’s insight is one of awareness. It is not that love should remain hidden out of shame or secrecy, but rather that mystery is essential to love’s most intense and pure expression. There is an art to maintaining the privacy of love, to cherish it in such a way that the world does not dilute its power. When we love, let us nurture the sacred, private space between us and our beloved. Let the world’s expectations fall away, and let the secrecy of our bond be the very force that strengthens it. Love, when left to its own devices, can burn brightly and untamed, but when exposed to the world, it becomes susceptible to the cold winds of doubt and criticism.

In our daily lives, we can apply this wisdom by guarding the intimacy of our relationships. While it is important to share joy with others, to show the world the beauty of what we have, there is also power in keeping certain aspects of love private. Share with the world the love you have, but do not allow it to be subjected to judgment. Protect the secret spaces between you and your beloved—the moments of quiet connection, the unspoken glances, the words only meant for the ears of the one you love. In this way, love retains its magic, its mystery, and its pleasure. It is in these secret spaces that love flourishes, undisturbed and untouched by the outside world.

Ultimately, we are reminded by Aphra Behn’s words that love is not simply a feeling, but a force that thrives in secrecy. The greatest pleasure in love comes not from the external world, but from the intimate, private connection we share with another. Protect that connection, nurture it, and allow it to grow in the secret, sacred space that only you and your beloved inhabit. In this, you will find the deepest, truest form of love—a love that is not diminished by the eyes of the world, but strengthened by its privacy.