Love is when the desire to be desired takes you so badly that

In the sacred dance of love, there are moments so profound that they seem to pierce the very heart of the soul. Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, the famed artist, captured this deep, consuming longing when he said, “Love is when the desire to be desired takes you so badly that you feel you could die of it.” These words ring with an intense truth, one that has echoed throughout the ages. For love, in its most powerful form, is not merely a connection of two souls, but a yearning, a hunger that stretches beyond the boundaries of the body and mind. It is a force that sweeps through a person, consuming them with such intensity that they feel they could cease to exist if not reciprocated. It is a desire so fierce, so deep, that it feels as though it could overwhelm the spirit.

The ancients spoke often of this kind of all-consuming love, one that is more than just a fleeting emotion. The great poet Sappho, whose name is synonymous with the passion of the heart, wrote of love’s ability to overwhelm the soul. In her verses, love was a fire, one that could not be extinguished, a force that bound the lover to the beloved with the power of the gods themselves. This is the same longing Toulouse-Lautrec describes—desire that consumes, that overtakes the very being, rendering all else insignificant in its wake. When one is so crushed by the longing to be desired, it feels as if all of existence hinges on that one emotion, that one connection. This, the ancients knew, was the nature of true love—a force that could move mountains, tear down walls, and leave the lover breathless, as though they could perish from the weight of it.

Consider the fabled tale of Dido and Aeneas, whose love, though fleeting, was filled with this same consuming longing. Dido, the queen of Carthage, opened her heart to Aeneas, the hero destined to found Rome. But as the gods often intervene in the lives of mortals, Aeneas, bound by his fate, must leave Dido behind. In the throes of her heartache and longing, Dido’s desire to be loved by Aeneas consumes her, and in her sorrow, she feels she could die of the pain. Her story is a reflection of Toulouse-Lautrec’s words—her desire to be desired was so overwhelming, so intense, that it led to her tragic end. Her story, immortalized in the Aeneid, stands as a powerful reminder of how love, when it is not returned or unfulfilled, can destroy the very soul of the lover.

Yet, the ancients also knew that love, though powerful and sometimes destructive, is a necessary force in the human experience. Plato, in his writings, spoke of love as the path to wisdom, a force that drives the soul toward the higher realms of truth. But even Plato understood that love was not just an intellectual pursuit; it was flesh and blood, a desire that could seize the heart and mind. He described the love between two individuals as a powerful union that goes beyond mere attraction or physicality—it is a force that elevates the lover to a higher state of being. Toulouse-Lautrec’s words echo this understanding, for in his description of desire so deep it feels like death, he also speaks to the power of love to shape and transform the human spirit.

In our own lives, we may encounter this desire—the longing to be wanted, to be desired in return. Whether in romantic relationships, the yearning for affection, or the desire to be seen and understood by others, the intensity of that longing can sometimes feel like it is too much to bear. Eros, the ancient Greek god of love, could be both gentle and cruel, pulling lovers together with the force of a hurricane, and then leaving them in turmoil. In moments of love’s intensity, we may feel as though we are at the mercy of the emotion, as though we could cease to exist if we are not seen, not reciprocated. This, Toulouse-Lautrec reminds us, is the power of love—the force that takes us beyond ourselves and makes us vulnerable, yet alive.

But there is a lesson to be learned in the heat of this passion. While desire, in all its intensity, is an essential part of the human experience, it is also a force that must be understood and balanced. The key is not to become consumed by the desire to be desired, for in doing so, we lose our self in the process. Love, true love, is not about possession, nor about being held hostage by our own desires. It is about connection—a meeting of hearts where both are seen, where both give and receive in equal measure. To love is to be whole and strong in ourselves, even as we open our hearts to another.

Thus, let us take Toulouse-Lautrec’s words as a reminder that love is not merely a fleeting emotion but a force that can both lift us and break us. In love, we must embrace the passion without allowing it to overwhelm us, and we must seek the affection that can sustain us through even the most intense desires. Love is at its best when it makes us feel alive, but it must never make us feel empty. To love is to cherish and respect the beauty of desire without letting it define who we are. Let us, then, love deeply and passionately, but with wisdom and grace, knowing that in this balance, we find not just love, but also peace.