My dad had been very absent, even when he was there. Then he left

Host: The room is quiet, filled with a sense of intimacy, as if the conversation about to unfold will dive into something deeply personal. The words spoken by Olly Alexander are heavy, tinged with both loss and reflection. Jack and Jeeny sit across from each other, the weight of the statement hanging between them, inviting a deeper exploration of relationships, absence, and the way they shape who we become.

Jack: “Olly Alexander said, ‘My dad had been very absent, even when he was there. Then he left the family and moved away. Our relationship, it feels to me, ended when I was 13.’” He repeats the words softly, letting them settle in the space between them. “It’s such a poignant reflection on what absence really means. It’s not just about physical distance, but emotional distance too. When someone isn’t present, even when they’re physically there, it changes the dynamic. I wonder how that impacts someone as they grow up.” He looks at Jeeny, his tone reflective. “What do you think? How does the absence of a parent shape a person’s identity?”

Jeeny: “I think it can leave a deep mark. It’s not just about the loss of a parent physically; it’s about the emotional gap that’s left behind. When someone is supposed to be a constant presence in your life but isn’t, it can create a sense of abandonment, even if they’re still around. It’s like you’re living with the absence of the connection, not just the person.” She pauses for a moment, her voice gentle, but full of understanding. “It can leave you with a sense of not being seen, of being overlooked, even when you’re right there, craving that connection.”

Jack: “That’s the real pain, isn’t it? The feeling of being there, but not being truly seen or heard. The emotional absence can feel just as impactful as physical absence, if not more so.” His voice grows a bit quieter, almost as though he’s personally reflecting on the depth of what this means. “It’s like there’s a part of you that doesn’t get the nurturing, the guidance, or the presence you need to feel whole. And as you grow up, that gap stays with you, even if you don’t fully understand it.”

Jeeny: “Exactly. It can affect how you see yourself, how you connect with others, and even how you define relationships. You start to question your worth, especially if you felt invisible to someone who was supposed to be a source of love and support. It’s like you’re trying to fill a hole, but you’re never quite sure how to.” Her smile is soft, filled with quiet empathy. “It’s a difficult thing to carry, that feeling of emotional abandonment. And sometimes, even as an adult, it can still affect how you approach relationships, because that emotional absence teaches you to guard yourself in ways you don’t always realize.”

Jack: “It’s heartbreaking, really, that someone so important in your life can leave you with that sense of not being enough. Even though the relationship was still there in some form, it never felt complete, never felt fulfilling. It seems like that’s where the sense of loss comes from — not just the fact that they left physically, but that the relationship was never fully formed, never fully realized.” His voice grows reflective, almost as if he’s connecting to the deeper layers of the situation. “That gap can be hard to fill, even as we get older.”

Jeeny: “Absolutely. And sometimes, we don’t even realize how much that emotional absence is affecting us until much later in life. It shapes the way we relate to others, the way we understand love, and the way we allow ourselves to be loved. There’s a part of you that is constantly seeking that connection, that closure, but sometimes, it never comes.” She looks at Jack, her expression gentle, almost reassuring. “But even in that absence, there’s room for growth. It’s not about replacing what was lost, but about finding a way to heal, to accept what’s happened, and to build your own sense of self-worth.”

Jack: “So, it’s not about fixing the past, but learning how to move forward, to redefine what family and love mean, and to find your own sense of fulfillment without depending on someone else to provide it.” He nods slowly, the peace in his voice settling as he reflects on the depth of the conversation. “That’s the challenge — finding a way to heal from those absences and create something strong within yourself.”

Jeeny: “Exactly. It’s about recognizing that, even in the absence of others, we can still find strength within ourselves. We can learn to give ourselves the love, the connection, and the understanding that we might have missed in the past. And through that process, we can heal and grow.” Her smile deepens, filled with hope. “We’re not defined by what was missing; we’re defined by how we choose to move forward and create our own sense of wholeness.”

Host: The room feels lighter now, as if the weight of the conversation has shifted into something more hopeful. Jack and Jeeny have uncovered a truth: that the absence of a parent, especially one that is emotionally distant, can create a lasting impact on one’s sense of self. But that impact doesn’t have to define us forever. Healing comes from understanding that, even in absence, we can find the strength to create meaningful relationships and a sense of self-worth. The path forward is about embracing the journey of self-discovery, accepting the past, and using that knowledge to build a more fulfilling future.

Jack: “Maybe the hardest part is accepting that the past can’t be changed. But I think I’m beginning to see that the real power lies in how we move forward from it, how we choose to heal and grow.” His voice is gentler, almost reassuring as he reflects on the deeper meaning of the conversation. “It’s not about replacing what we lost, but finding the strength to move past it.”

Jeeny: “Exactly. And through that process, we create a new understanding of love, of family, and of ourselves. We get to define who we are, independent of what happened in the past.” She smiles, the clarity in her voice reflecting a deep sense of peace. “And that’s the beauty of healing. It’s about reclaiming our power and creating a life that reflects who we truly are.”

Host: The room is still, filled with the quiet realization that the absence of a parent, or any significant figure, does not have to define us. Jack and Jeeny have discovered that healing comes from accepting the emotional impact of those absences and choosing to move forward. The past may shape us, but it doesn’t have to hold us back. Through that understanding, we can rebuild, redefine, and find our own sense of wholeness.