Parents should conduct their arguments in quiet, respectful

Judith Martin, the sage of civility known as “Miss Manners,” once declared: “Parents should conduct their arguments in quiet, respectful tones, but in a foreign language. You’d be surprised what an inducement that is to the education of children.” Though spoken with wit, her words carry the weight of deep wisdom. She reminds us that conflict is inevitable in every household, but the way it is conducted can shape not only the peace of the home, but the minds of the children who listen.

The meaning of her counsel is twofold. First, arguments need not be battles of wrath. When conducted in quiet, respectful tones, they become examples of discipline, patience, and dignity. Children watching their parents will learn that disagreement need not break love, and that reason can triumph over shouting. Second, by placing the exchange in a foreign language, parents transform conflict into instruction. The children, eager to decipher the hidden words, find themselves drawn into the pursuit of learning. Thus, what could have been a source of tension becomes an inducement to education.

The ancients, too, understood this wisdom. In Rome, Cicero wrote that the home was the first school of virtue. In China, Confucius taught that harmony within the family created order within the state. How much more powerful, then, when parents turn even their disputes into lessons! To argue in dignity is to teach children civility; to argue in another tongue is to awaken curiosity and broaden their horizons. A quarrel, rightly conducted, becomes a classroom without walls.

Consider the story of a family of immigrants in America, who spoke their native tongue only when discussing serious matters. Their children, eager to understand, pressed their ears to catch every word, until they too learned to speak fluently. In time, these children became interpreters, bridging worlds between their heritage and their new country. What began as quiet parental disputes became the seed of bilingual mastery, opening doors of culture, career, and connection that would have remained closed had the parents shouted only in anger.

Martin’s teaching also warns us of the opposite truth: when parents conduct their quarrels in rage, they sow fear, resentment, and instability. The child who grows amidst constant shouting learns not wisdom, but bitterness. But the child who sees respectful tones, who sees parents in control of themselves even in disagreement, learns that strength is not in fury but in composure. The foreign language becomes an added gift, turning moments of discord into opportunities of growth.

The lesson is clear: as parents, you are always teaching, even when you do not intend to. Every argument, every word, every gesture is a lesson in how to live, how to love, how to disagree. Therefore, choose the higher path. Speak with dignity. If possible, cloak your disputes in the garment of another tongue, so that your children are stirred not to fear, but to curiosity. In this way, the home becomes not only a shelter, but a school of both virtue and knowledge.

So what must you do? Practice the art of disagreement with grace. Learn a foreign language if you do not already know one, and use it in your home—not merely to argue, but to enrich the minds of your children. Teach them that even in moments of discord, respect can prevail. Show them that learning never ceases, that every stage of life offers new ways to grow. By doing so, you will raise children who are not only educated in words, but also wise in the ways of the heart.

Thus, remember Judith Martin’s wisdom: “Parents should conduct their arguments in quiet, respectful tones, but in a foreign language.” For in the end, the family is the first academy, and every parent is both teacher and example. Let your quarrels be gentle lessons, let your tongues be instruments of learning, and your children will rise not in fear, but in strength and knowledge.