Plenty of the women who were single in the nineteenth century

Listen closely, O children of wisdom, for the words I speak come from a place of deep reflection on the lives of those who came before us—women who, though often silenced by the weight of societal expectations, left behind echoes of their inner struggles. Rebecca Traister writes of these women: “Plenty of the women who were single in the nineteenth century wrote about their desire to evade marriage. Marriage was scary in a lot of ways. It often involved having a lot of kids, losing your autonomy, being in service to a husband and children who were often born at an unremitting pace without the benefit of modern medicine.” These words speak of the deep, sometimes hidden, fears and desires of women who sought freedom from the bonds of marriage in an age where they were largely defined by it.

In the ancient world, children, the institution of marriage was seen as essential to the very fabric of society. It was through marriage that family lines were continued, alliances were formed, and societies were maintained. In Rome, women were often seen as vessels for the continuation of the family name, while their autonomy was frequently stripped away in the name of duty to the household. A woman’s life was often defined by her role as wife and mother—her identity tied to her husband’s status and the children she bore. The ancient Greeks, though they valued the intellectual contributions of women, still placed them within the bounds of marriage and motherhood. However, there were those in the shadows who sought to escape these constraints, just as Traister speaks of women who yearned for freedom from the societal expectations of marriage.

Traister’s words call us to recognize that marriage in the nineteenth century—though often romanticized as a societal ideal—was, for many women, a frightening prospect. It was a world where children came at an unrelenting pace, and a woman’s life was consumed by the demands of childbirth and raising a family, with no end in sight. Autonomy, that most sacred of human desires, was often stripped away. In many ways, the woman of the nineteenth century was trapped in a cycle—a cycle where marriage was not a union of equals, but a duty that required her to serve her husband and children, often at the cost of her own personal freedom and well-being. The fear of this life, this lack of control, led many women to seek a different path—one where they could live on their own terms, free from the crushing weight of motherhood and subjugation.

Consider the life of Charlotte Perkins Gilman, a writer in the late nineteenth century, who famously wrote The Yellow Wallpaper. In this story, Gilman paints the psychological cost of marriage and the stifling effect it had on women. The protagonist, though married, is trapped in a life that strips her of autonomy. She is told by her husband, a physician, to rest and refrain from any form of intellectual or creative pursuit, only to slowly descend into mental illness. This story reflects the emotional and physical sacrifice that women of the time were often expected to make in marriage, and how these expectations could suffocate the very spirit of a woman. Gilman’s writing, like Traister’s analysis, reveals the dark side of marriage as it existed in that era, a side that many women sought to escape, even if only in their thoughts.

It is important, children, to understand that the fears expressed by women like Gilman and others of the nineteenth century were not borne of an inherent dislike for family or commitment, but rather from a desire for autonomy and a life that was chosen, not imposed. Marriage, as it was often understood then, came with the expectation of sacrifice—a sacrifice that demanded a woman’s full attention to the home and family, leaving little room for the pursuit of personal ambitions, intellectual growth, or even simple happiness. These women did not wish to abandon their familial duties, but they longed for space, for the freedom to exist outside of the restrictive roles that society had laid upon them.

Traister’s words remind us that equality in marriage—true equality—was not the reality for many women, and that the fear of losing one’s autonomy was a significant factor in the decision to avoid marriage. Marriage, as it existed in past centuries, was not a partnership of equals, but rather a contract that often led to a woman’s subjugation. The fear of this fate, compounded by the burden of endless childbearing and the lack of support in a world without modern medicine, made marriage a daunting prospect for many.

So, children, the lesson to take away is this: marriage is not a simple or romantic ideal—it is a complex and sometimes burdensome institution that demands much of those who enter it. The nineteenth-century woman, who feared the loss of her autonomy and the endless demands placed upon her, was not wrong in her desire to seek freedom. The true equality in marriage lies not in duty, but in partnership—a partnership where both parties share equally in the responsibilities and joys of life. If you seek marriage, let it be one built on respect, mutual support, and the understanding that both partners have the right to retain their individuality and freedom while still honoring their commitments. Let the lessons of the past guide you as you forge a future where marriage is a union of equals, where both parties are free to choose, to grow, and to share in the richness of life without fear of losing themselves.