The gain is not the having of children; it is the discovery of

Polly Berrien Berends, a writer of spiritual insight and guide to parents, once wrote: “The gain is not the having of children; it is the discovery of love and how to be loving.” In these words she turns the eyes of parents away from pride in possession and toward the deeper mystery of transformation. For children are not trophies to be acquired, nor extensions of the self to be displayed, but living teachers who awaken in mothers and fathers the truest lesson of all—that love is not merely a feeling, but an action, a way of being, and the path to wholeness.

The essence of her wisdom is that the true reward of parenthood is not the child alone, but the parent’s growth in love. To bring forth life is a miracle, but it is incomplete unless it reshapes the heart. For in raising children, parents are called to practice patience, sacrifice, forgiveness, and tenderness. These virtues may lie dormant in the soul until a child’s cry awakens them. Thus, the parent gains not through possession but through transformation. They discover not only how to love their child, but how to become more loving in all things.

History bears witness to this truth. Consider the life of Mahatma Gandhi, who spoke often of love as the highest force in the world. Though he is remembered as a leader of nations, he was also a father who knew the difficulties and contradictions of raising children. His struggles with his own sons revealed to him that fatherhood was not about control but about learning the hard discipline of patience and compassion. In this way, his children became his teachers, shaping the very heart that would later lead a movement grounded in nonviolent love.

Berends’s words also rebuke the human temptation to see children as possessions or proof of success. Many may boast of “having” children as if they were achievements to be displayed. But to speak this way is to miss the point entirely. The gift of a child is not in what they bring to the parent’s reputation, but in what they demand of the parent’s soul. They strip away selfishness, they humble pride, they demand attention, and they call forth sacrifice. This breaking of the self is not loss, but gain—the discovery of a greater capacity for love than one ever thought possible.

The imagery of discovery is crucial. Love is not always natural; it is something learned, often through trial and error. Sleepless nights, moments of frustration, and seasons of worry test the heart. Yet in those very struggles, parents discover depths of love that could not have been imagined. They realize that love is not measured by ease but by endurance, not by perfection but by persistence. In this sense, parenting becomes a sacred journey where both child and parent grow together in the school of love.

The lesson for all who hear is this: if you seek children for pride, you will miss the treasure. If you seek them for status, you will find only weariness. But if you open your heart to the transformation they bring, you will discover the truest wealth—the ability to love more deeply, more generously, and more selflessly than before. The child is not the end of the journey, but the doorway into a greater way of living.

Therefore, let Polly Berrien Berends’s words endure as a beacon: the true gain of parenting is not the child possessed, but the parent remade. For through the child, the parent learns what love truly is: not a fleeting feeling, but a steady fire; not a selfish grasp, but a generous gift. And in this discovery, life itself is transformed, and the legacy of love is passed to generations yet to come.