Valentine's Day: Rubbing singles' noses in their lack of a mate

"Valentine's Day: Rubbing singles' noses in their lack of a mate and the noses of couples in their lack of time." These words, spoken by Emma McLaughlin, speak to a truth that many feel but seldom express: Valentine’s Day, far from being a purely joyous occasion, can often highlight the emptiness and loneliness felt by the single, while simultaneously magnifying the pressures and constraints experienced by couples. McLaughlin cuts to the heart of the modern paradox: a day meant to celebrate love can, in fact, deepen the divisions between those who feel connected and those who feel disconnected, whether in romantic relationships or in their struggle to find time and space amidst the chaos of life.

In the ancient world, love was often celebrated with grand festivals and rituals, but these were not without their own complications. The Romans, for example, celebrated Lupercalia, a festival dedicated to fertility, love, and matchmaking. However, beneath the revelry and celebration, there was also an undercurrent of competition and discontent. Young men and women would pair off through ritualistic practices, but the festival also exposed the challenges of love: the desire for connection, the uncertainty of finding a mate, and the difficulties of forming lasting bonds. In this way, the ancient celebrations of love were both joyous and filled with an inherent tension—a tension McLaughlin touches on in her quote, highlighting the divisions Valentine’s Day can accentuate.

As McLaughlin suggests, Valentine’s Day can create a divide between those who are in romantic relationships and those who are not. The singles, particularly in a culture that idolizes romantic relationships, may feel like outsiders as the day forces them to confront their lack of a mate. This sense of isolation, especially in the face of widespread commercialization of love, can amplify the loneliness that single people may already feel. In ancient times, those who were not married or in relationships often faced social stigmas, much like today, when they might feel overlooked or judged during a day that appears to celebrate something they do not possess. The inherent competition of love—the search for a mate, the fear of being alone—has always been part of the human experience, transcending the boundaries of time and society.

On the other hand, for those who are in relationships, Valentine’s Day can highlight the lack of time and space they have for each other. Couples, particularly in the modern world, where work, parenting, and other obligations consume much of their attention, may feel that their relationship has become routine, devoid of the excitement and romance it once held. The pressure to make Valentine’s Day special can further amplify the disconnection that they feel, making it a reminder of what they have not been able to nurture in their busy lives. In this sense, the holiday becomes not a celebration of love but a reminder of time lost, and of a bond that may have become strained due to the constant demands of life. The ancients were well aware of this dilemma; even the greatest emperors, such as Augustus, understood that love required more than grand gestures—it required consistent attention and care, something that is often overshadowed in today’s fast-paced world.

In the same way that McLaughlin points out the pressures felt by couples and singles alike, the Greeks too grappled with the complex nature of love. They were deeply aware of both the beauty and the burdens of romantic relationships. In Plato’s Symposium, various characters discuss the nature of love and desire, but what stands out in their dialogues is the recognition that love cannot be neatly defined or easily obtained. It is a pursuit—sometimes elusive, often fraught with challenges. The idealization of love, as reflected in the Symposium, acknowledges that love is not a simple celebration but a complex journey with moments of joy and discomfort. Valentine’s Day, much like the philosophical conversations of the ancient Greeks, forces us to reflect on the imperfections of love, and how we must learn to navigate both its delights and its difficulties.

The lesson here is profound and deeply tied to the human experience. Valentine’s Day, though a time for celebration, can also be a mirror, reflecting the complexities of romantic love and relationships. Whether single or in a couple, it serves as a reminder that love is not something easily defined by a single day of the year, but something that must be lived authentically every day. It calls attention to the pressures and challenges of seeking love, while also reminding us of the importance of finding time and space for the connections that matter most. The ancients knew that love is both an art and a struggle, something that requires attention, effort, and a willingness to accept the imperfections in both ourselves and in others.

In your own life, reflect on how you express and experience love—not just on Valentine’s Day, but throughout the year. Let the commercial pressures and societal expectations of love not define your relationships. Instead, focus on the authentic connection that binds you to others, whether in romantic partnerships, friendships, or self-love. Embrace the imperfections of love, and honor both the challenges and the joys it brings. In this way, you will find that love is not a one-time celebration, but a lifelong practice, requiring both reflection and action, patience, and perseverance.