When I was 19, I celebrated my first Valentine's Day while being

"When I was 19, I celebrated my first Valentine's Day while being in a relationship. I was so excited, but didn't know what the rules were. What should I get him, or was I even supposed to get him something?" These words spoken by Carly Craig reflect a moment of vulnerability and uncertainty that many experience when stepping into romantic relationships for the first time. Valentine’s Day, a day celebrated for love, often carries with it unspoken expectations and rules—rules that can feel confusing, especially for those who are new to the dynamics of love and gift-giving. Craig’s question—should I buy something for him?—speaks to a timeless aspect of human connection: the desire to express affection and the uncertainty that often accompanies such expressions.

In the ancient world, the act of gift-giving was a powerful symbol of connection and respect. The Greeks celebrated Eros, the god of love, who embodied not only the passions of the heart but also the mutual exchange of affection that sustains relationships. To offer a gift was not merely an act of generosity; it was a sign of commitment, a ritual that expressed the depth of one’s feelings. The great philosopher Aristotle wrote extensively on the nature of friendship and love, emphasizing that genuine love required not only shared experiences but also the thoughtfulness of small gestures. He believed that love was not a transaction, but a series of acts, both large and small, that confirmed the connection between individuals.

Similarly, the Romans placed great value on the role of gifts in relationships. Julius Caesar, despite his military might and political status, would often express affection for his wife, Calpurnia, through carefully chosen tokens of respect and admiration. These gifts were not simply material items but were imbued with meaning, representing his dedication to her well-being and the strength of their bond. However, like Craig, many of the Romans experienced the same dilemmas: how should one express love, and what rules should guide these expressions? This tension is not new—it has been felt by lovers throughout the ages as they navigated the complexities of gift-giving and affection.

Craig’s reflection highlights the universal nature of this uncertainty. Valentine’s Day, especially for those just entering relationships, can be a source of anxiety—a day that, while meant to celebrate love, often brings with it unspoken pressures. The societal expectations around this day—what to give, what to say, how to behave—can overshadow the very essence of love: honesty and authenticity. The ancients understood that love, at its core, was a practice of presence and commitment, rather than a performance of gestures designed to meet external expectations. The great love stories of Hector and Andromache, or Romeo and Juliet, were not defined by the rules of gift-giving, but by the depth of their affection and the sacrifices they made for one another. It was their actions, their choices, and their willingness to be vulnerable that defined their love, not the material expressions of it.

This sentiment is echoed in the wisdom of Socrates, who believed that true love could not be measured by external trappings or the exchange of goods. He often spoke of the importance of dialogue and intellectual connection in relationships, urging his followers to focus on the inner qualities of their partners, rather than on surface-level expectations. For Socrates, love was about understanding and sharing one’s soul with another, not about following the rules of societal conventions. In this light, Craig’s confusion about the rules of Valentine’s Day is a reflection of a deeper, age-old question: what is love really about? Is it about the gifts we give, or is it about the genuine connection that those gifts are meant to represent?

The lesson here is clear: love cannot be confined by the rules of any holiday or external expectation. While Valentine’s Day offers a convenient occasion to express affection, true love is shown through the consistency and thoughtfulness of our actions throughout the year. The ancients understood that gifts were but a small reflection of love; it is the intentions behind the actions that matter most. A simple gesture of care, like a handwritten note or a quiet moment of listening, can mean more than any grand display. As Craig navigates her own journey, unsure of what the "rules" are, she reminds us that the true beauty of love lies in authenticity, in learning to express one’s affection with sincerity and not with a sense of obligation.

In your own life, take the wisdom of the ancients and Craig’s reflection to heart. Whether on Valentine’s Day or on any other day, express your love in ways that feel true to you and your relationship. Be present, thoughtful, and intentional in your actions, rather than adhering to external rules or pressures. The most meaningful expressions of love are not those that come with expectations, but those that come from a deep place of genuine care and understanding. Remember that love is not a performance—it is a living, breathing connection, nurtured through small acts of kindness, honesty, and mutual respect.