A friend is a beloved mystery; dearest always because he is not

"A friend is a beloved mystery; dearest always because he is not ourself, and has something in him which it is impossible for us to fathom. If it were not so, friendship would lose its chief zest." These profound words from Lucy Larcom invite us to contemplate the deeper, mystical qualities of friendship—a bond that is both cherished and elusive. To know a friend is to journey into a realm of discovery, where the mystery of the other person continuously unfolds. In friendship, we find a beloved enigma, a relationship that thrives not on complete understanding, but on the beauty of the unknown. It is the very mystery that makes friendship rich, allowing it to breathe with life, complexity, and endless wonder.

In the ancient world, the concept of friendship was not just one of camaraderie but of sacred union. Aristotle, in his treatise on ethics, described three types of friendship: those based on utility, those based on pleasure, and the highest form, those rooted in virtue. Virtuous friendships, Aristotle argued, are marked not by complete understanding, but by a shared journey toward something greater—toward a mutual pursuit of wisdom and self-improvement. This view of friendship as a shared mystery mirrors Larcom’s thoughts: a true friend is someone who, while deeply known, remains always partially unknown. The mystery lies in the space between knowing and discovering, in the endless layers that are revealed through time and experience.

Consider the bond between Socrates and his most devoted pupil, Plato. Their friendship was rooted in the pursuit of truth and virtue, yet even as Plato sought to learn from Socrates, he was often struck by the depths of his teacher’s mystery. Socrates himself was famously enigmatic, never fully revealing his thoughts but guiding others to discover their own wisdom. Plato, despite his profound connection with Socrates, found his mentor to be an unfathomable puzzle—one that could never be fully solved, but always beckoned deeper inquiry. This mystery in Socrates was not a barrier to their friendship; rather, it was a source of its enduring richness, a constant challenge that made their connection not only deep but also dynamic, alive with potential for discovery. Just as Socrates remained an enigma to Plato, so too does every friend offer us a glimpse of something beyond our own understanding.

In Larcom’s view, it is this mystery—the part of the friend that remains unknowable—that gives friendship its unique value. If we knew all there was to know about a person, if their inner world were fully revealed and understood, friendship would lose much of its allure. True friendship is a dynamic, evolving connection, where both individuals continuously learn from and challenge each other. In this sense, mystery is not a flaw in the relationship, but the very thing that allows it to deepen and grow. The great friendships of history, such as that between David and Jonathan, exemplify this mystery. Their bond, marked by loyalty and self-sacrifice, was rooted in something beyond full understanding—something that was understood only in moments of profound connection, where words fell short and actions spoke louder than any explanations.

Think of the bond between David and Jonathan in the Bible. Their friendship was one of intense loyalty, yet it was also deeply mysterious. Jonathan, the son of King Saul, was meant to inherit his father’s throne, but instead, he chose to support David, who was anointed by God as the next king. This decision, rooted in trust and friendship, was not based on any clear, rational understanding—it was based on a shared mystery, a spiritual and emotional connection that transcended the political realities of their world. The mystery in their friendship lay in their ability to give to each other without needing complete understanding, to trust each other even when the full nature of their bond was unknown.

In our own lives, we are often drawn to the people who carry mystery with them—those friends who we can never fully fathom, yet who we treasure all the more for that very reason. It is in the mystery of a friend that we find the depth of our own connection. We are not drawn to people who are simply reflections of ourselves, but to those who challenge us, who offer us new perspectives, and whose minds and hearts we will never completely understand. This is not a failure of friendship, but its very essence—the constant evolution of the relationship as we explore the depths of each other’s experiences and personalities.

Thus, the lesson is clear: friendship is a living thing, full of mystery and discovery. Let us cherish the unknowns in our friendships, and let us allow those relationships to evolve as we continually discover new layers of connection. We must not seek to fully possess or understand our friends, for it is the mystery within them that makes the relationship so profoundly valuable. May we approach our friendships with the openness to both give and receive, knowing that it is in the spaces of uncertainty and discovery that true friendship thrives. Let us embrace the mystery, knowing that it is what keeps the zest alive in the relationships that mean the most.