For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

- Steven Wright -

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Steven Wright

American - Comedian Born: December 6, 1955

With the author

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

Steven Wright

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Steven Wright

George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.

Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Steven Wright

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.

Steven Wright

I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.

Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Steven Wright

Same category

Our kids will never have to remember things, because it's all in pictures. Want to remember your fourth birthday? There'll be video of it on your phone.

Jason Bateman

I'm not big on dark chocolate, but I do have a sweet tooth, so it gets me in trouble. I love warm chocolate chip cookies with ice cream. Then there's this chocolate pie my mom makes for me every year for my birthday. She's been making it since I was younger, and there's nothing like it. It's really so, so good!

Phillip Phillips

I am very shy by nature and I won't even have told people about my birthday, had I not been an actor.

Sonu Sood

Motorcycle riding has been a passion of mine since my 20th birthday, and as a proud member of the American Motorcyclist Association and the Harley Owners Group, I can attest that responsible riding has many unique recreational benefits for millions of Americans.

Tim Walberg

If there's one thing I really want for my birthday, that is for the mining company not to mine my daddy's reserve.

Bindi Irwin

I did not have a normal life. I'd be training when my sister would be at birthday parties and sleepovers. I finished high school by correspondence, basically working two full-time jobs. The last years were very, very tough. But I was willing to do that. It's all about sacrifice.

Eugenie Bouchard

My life is better with every year of living it.

Rachel Maddow

I get letters constantly from all over the world, telephone calls from America, Brazil, Australia, all over, especially on my birthday. A family? I have a huge international family. That's all I need.

Renata Tebaldi

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