I find that when I'm in a relationship, I'm just so 'in it,' you

In the thoughtful words of Sheila Heti, we find a meditation on the nature of human bonds, both fierce and tender: “I find that when I'm in a relationship, I'm just so 'in it,' you couldn't even call it an art; it's such embroilment. With a friendship, you can choose a little bit more how to behave. You can be guided more.” These words, though spoken in the quiet voice of introspection, carry the timeless weight of wisdom. For Heti speaks not merely of love and friendship, but of the balance between passion and clarity, between being consumed and being guided. She reveals the eternal tension within the human heart — that love often overwhelms reason, while friendship allows the spirit to breathe and act with grace.

In her words, “embroilment” is not a condemnation, but a recognition. Romantic love, in its truest form, is not crafted like a sculpture — it is a storm, a living fire. One does not control it, but is carried by it. It consumes boundaries, sweeps away logic, and leaves the heart raw and trembling. When one is “in it,” as Heti says, one cannot stand outside to observe or refine. Love, then, is not an art one practices; it is an immersion that demands surrender. And yet, in friendship, we find something quieter, steadier — not less sacred, but more deliberate. Friendship gives space for reflection, for choice, for guidance. It allows us to act with intention, rather than impulse.

The ancients understood this difference well. In the dialogues of Plato, Socrates speaks of two loves — eros, the burning desire that drives one toward union, and philia, the gentle friendship that nurtures wisdom and virtue. Eros blinds with intensity; philia enlightens with companionship. The former may lead to rapture, but the latter leads to understanding. Both are necessary for a full life, but only one allows us to remain master of ourselves. Heti, in her modern voice, echoes this ancient truth: in love, we are engulfed; in friendship, we are guided.

Consider the story of Queen Elizabeth I and Robert Dudley, her lifelong companion and perhaps her truest friend. Though love may have stirred between them, the queen chose to keep it within the bounds of friendship, for she knew that passion might destroy what understanding had built. Through restraint, they preserved something rarer — mutual respect and loyalty untainted by possession. Their bond endured through decades of power and peril, a friendship that guided rather than consumed. Such is the wisdom Heti points toward: that friendship, unlike romance, allows the soul to remain whole even as it joins with another.

Yet, we must not despise embroilment. To love deeply, even chaotically, is to touch the divine in its rawest form. There is beauty in being swept away, in losing control, for through such surrender we learn the vastness of the human heart. But one must also learn to return — to emerge from the storm and find shelter in friendship’s calm harbor. The wise do not avoid passion, but they remember that love’s fire must be tempered by friendship’s light. In that balance lies true peace.

What Heti teaches, then, is not to choose one over the other, but to understand the nature of each. When in love, recognize the storm for what it is — powerful, ungovernable, transforming. Do not expect yourself to act with perfect wisdom within it. And when in friendship, recognize the sacred freedom it grants — the space to listen, to reflect, to grow. Friendship is love distilled, love made conscious, love that teaches rather than burns.

So let this be your lesson, O seeker of understanding: cherish both the fire and the calm. Do not curse the embroilment of love, for it reveals your capacity to feel deeply. But neither should you neglect the guidance of friendship, for it refines the spirit that love awakens. Seek the ones who challenge you like lovers but steady you like friends. Speak truth even when passion blinds you, and act with kindness even when your heart trembles. For the art of living, as Heti reminds us, is not in avoiding entanglement, but in knowing when to surrender — and when to be guided by the light of friendship.

And in the end, may your life be rich with both — the wild embroilment of love that teaches you to feel, and the gentle guidance of friendship that teaches you to be wise.