I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

- Demetri Martin -

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Demetri Martin

American - Comedian Born: May 25, 1973

With the author

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

Demetri Martin

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.

Demetri Martin

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

Demetri Martin

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

Demetri Martin

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

Demetri Martin

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

Demetri Martin

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

Demetri Martin

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

Demetri Martin

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An almost forgotten means of economic self-reliance is the home production of food. We are too accustomed to going to stores and purchasing what we need.

Ezra Taft Benson

Canadian farmers are an essential part of the global food supply chain, and they should have been exempt from the carbon tax in order to assist with global food security.

Leslyn Lewis

Nobody had ever told me junk food was bad for me. Four years of medical school, and four years of internship and residency, and I never thought anything was wrong with eating sweet rolls and doughnuts, and potatoes, and bread, and sweets.

Robert Atkins

The fact that over 50 per cent of the residents of Toronto are not from Canada, that is always a good thing, creatively, and for food especially. That is easily a city's biggest strength, and it is Toronto's unique strength.

Anthony Bourdain

Climate change joined immigration, job creation, food safety, pilot training, veterans' care, campaign finance, transportation security, labor law, mine safety, wildfire management, and scores of executive and judicial appointments on the list of matters that the world's greatest deliberative body is incapable of addressing.

George Packer

My favorite kind of food is Jamaican food, obviously. Beef patty, chicken patty.

Shai Gilgeous-Alexander

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

Joan Rivers

I was like, 'You know what, I'm going to try a juice cleanse.' I'd never done it before but I thought it was a good idea. I was miserable. I wanted food, I was cranky and the bottom line is I don't think I will ever do that again.

Madelyn Cline

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