If there is such a thing as a good marriage, it is because it

"If there is such a thing as a good marriage, it is because it resembles friendship rather than love." Thus wrote Michel de Montaigne, the philosopher of the Renaissance whose reflections upon the human soul remain as fresh and true as the morning sun. In this sentence — calm, yet filled with quiet power — he unveils a timeless truth: that the strongest marriages are not built upon the fever of love, but upon the steadfast warmth of friendship. For love, in its early fire, is often restless and consuming, while friendship is enduring and serene. Passion may ignite a union, but it is friendship that sustains it through the long seasons of life.

Montaigne, who lived in 16th-century France, was a man who pondered deeply upon human nature — its virtues, its frailties, its constant contradictions. In his Essays, he sought not to instruct, but to understand. When he spoke of marriage, he did so not as a romantic, but as a realist and a lover of truth. He had seen, as we all see, that love’s first blaze can too easily burn itself out, leaving behind ash and silence. Friendship, by contrast, is a gentler flame — one that endures, that illuminates without consuming, that gives warmth without pain. Thus, he declares that the finest marriages are not those that mimic the tempests of desire, but those that mirror the constancy of companionship.

To understand this, we must first see the difference between love as passion and love as friendship. The one is ecstatic and brief, like lightning that flashes and fades. The other is peaceful and enduring, like the steady light of dawn. Passion demands; friendship gives. Passion burns for the self; friendship lives for the other. In marriage, passion may begin the journey, but friendship must carry it onward. For when beauty fades, when time tests patience, when hardship and sorrow come — it is not passion that endures, but trust, understanding, and gentleness.

History gives us many examples of this truth. Consider the union of John and Abigail Adams, whose letters have survived as a testament to both intellect and affection. Though separated often by war and duty, their correspondence reveals not the clinging of passion, but the communion of two friends who shared one mind, one purpose, and one heart. They spoke to each other as equals, guiding and strengthening one another through the storms of revolution. Their marriage was not made perfect by fleeting ardor, but by enduring friendship — a partnership rooted in respect, humor, and mutual faith. In them, Montaigne’s ideal breathes: a love matured into friendship, and friendship made divine by love.

Montaigne himself was not untouched by the trials of marriage. He understood the fleeting nature of romantic attachment, and the deeper grace of companionship. He saw that those who seek only passion in their unions are like sailors who chase the wind — they are carried far, but seldom find harbor. Those who build their bond upon friendship, however, are like those who anchor upon rock — they may be tested by the waves, but they will not be moved. In friendship, there is patience; in patience, there is peace.

The ancients, too, knew this wisdom. Aristotle wrote that the truest friendship is between those who wish the good for one another for its own sake. In such a friendship, one does not possess, but participates. So it is with the marriage that endures: it is not an act of possession, but a continual act of giving. When husband and wife regard each other not as property but as partners, not as ideals but as fellow travelers on the road of life, then marriage ceases to be a cage and becomes instead a sanctuary.

Lesson: The marriage that endures is not one of eternal passion, but of eternal patience. Love may kindle the heart, but friendship keeps it burning. Seek not a companion who dazzles, but one who understands; not one who inflames, but one who steadies.

Practical action: Cultivate friendship within your love. Speak not always with the tongue of desire, but with the voice of understanding. Laugh together, forgive quickly, share burdens, and honor each other’s solitude. Let the fire of passion warm you, but let the hearth of friendship sustain you. For as Michel de Montaigne teaches, when marriage is built upon friendship, it becomes not merely the bond of two bodies, but the union of two souls — steadfast, gentle, and immortal.