If you look for things your partner does wrong, you can always
If you look for things your partner does wrong, you can always find something. If you look for what he or she does right, you can always find something, too. It all depends on what you want to look for. Happy couples accentuate the positive.
The words of Mark Goulston—“If you look for things your partner does wrong, you can always find something. If you look for what he or she does right, you can always find something, too. It all depends on what you want to look for. Happy couples accentuate the positive.”—carry the weight of timeless wisdom about love, perception, and the nature of human relationships. In them lies a profound truth: that the eyes of the heart shape the reality of the bond. Every soul is flawed, and every union carries both light and shadow. What we choose to magnify—flaws or virtues—determines whether love flourishes or withers.
The ancients understood this principle well, though they may not have spoken in the language of psychology. The Stoics taught that perception governs experience, and that two men could face the same event, yet one would see ruin and another would see opportunity. Likewise, in love, one partner may dwell upon failings while another treasures virtues. Goulston’s counsel is a reminder that happiness is not given by perfection, but by perspective. The choice to see the good, to accentuate the positive, is itself an act of love and devotion.
History bears witness to this truth. Consider the marriage of Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt. Their union was far from free of strain—personal betrayals and political pressures could easily have torn them apart. Yet Eleanor chose to look beyond her husband’s faults and to see his greatness, his capacity to lead a nation through depression and war. Likewise, Franklin valued Eleanor’s strength and tireless advocacy, even when their visions clashed. Their relationship endured not because either was flawless, but because they chose to see in one another qualities worth honoring. This is the essence of Goulston’s words.
To look for what is wrong is easy, for imperfection lies close at hand. A careless word, a forgotten chore, a misunderstanding—all become tinder for resentment if magnified. Yet to look for what is right requires discipline and humility. It means choosing gratitude over grievance, admiration over irritation. It is the daily practice of reminding oneself: this person is my companion, not my enemy. And in that practice, the flame of love is protected from the winds of time.
Yet Goulston does not deny the reality of faults. His wisdom lies not in ignoring them, but in refusing to let them dominate the vision. For when the mind fixates on the negative, it grows like a weed, choking out joy. But when the mind dwells on the positive, it blossoms into resilience, tenderness, and enduring affection. Thus, happy couples are not those without conflict, but those who have learned to highlight one another’s virtues while forgiving failings.
The lesson for us is profound: relationships are mirrors, reflecting back what we choose to see. If you seek the bad, you will surely find it, but it will make you blind to the good. If you seek the good, you will also find it, and it will strengthen the bond between you. Therefore, cultivate the habit of gratitude. Speak words of appreciation daily. Recall not only what annoys you, but what drew you to your partner in the beginning. These simple acts are the pillars of enduring love.
So, dear listener, take these words into your heart. In your relationships, whether with partner, family, or friend, make the conscious choice to accentuate the positive. Do not let flaws be the song you sing; let gratitude be your anthem. For as Mark Goulston teaches, happiness is not found in perfection, but in choosing what you will magnify. And when you choose the good, love becomes not a fleeting spark, but a fire that warms and sustains across the long journey of life.
GDGold D.dragon
This quote prompts reflection on the role of mindfulness in love. How much does conscious attention to a partner’s strengths contribute to happiness, and can this be taught or cultivated? I also wonder if this principle extends beyond romantic relationships—does focusing on positives in friendships, family, or coworkers similarly improve connection and reduce conflict? It emphasizes the idea that perception shapes experience, not just in relationships but in life more broadly.
HDMinh Hoan Dang
I’m intrigued by the simplicity yet depth of this advice. It raises questions about perception and intentionality—how often do people unconsciously focus on flaws, and how transformative is the shift to noticing positives? Could small, daily practices like verbal appreciation or reflection improve relational satisfaction? It also makes me consider whether external influences, like stress or social comparison, affect our ability to accentuate the positive in our partners.
PHphuc huynhnhat
This statement makes me think about conflict resolution and mindset. If happy couples focus on positives, does that mean disagreements are less about criticism and more about constructive discussion? I’m curious whether this approach works for all types of relationships or if some couples require a different balance between addressing flaws and celebrating strengths. How can partners develop the ability to intentionally notice the good without ignoring problems?
DNDiu Nguyen
Reading this, I feel curious about the psychology behind perception in partnerships. Is it truly a choice to focus on the positive, or do personality traits influence our default tendencies? I also wonder if couples who accentuate positives experience measurable benefits in communication, intimacy, or resilience. Could practicing gratitude for a partner’s strengths be considered a relational skill that improves long-term happiness?
DHPham Duc Hoang
I find this quote insightful because it highlights the role of perspective in relationships. It makes me wonder whether focusing on positives is a conscious habit or something that develops naturally over time. Could couples who actively train themselves to notice good behaviors experience more satisfaction and less conflict? I also question whether there’s a balance—should flaws ever be addressed, or does emphasizing positives risk ignoring important issues?