Mark Goulston

Here is a full biographical and reflective article about Mark Goulston:

Mark Goulston – Life, Career, and Insights on Listening & Connection

Mark Goulston (February 21, 1948 – December 30, 2023), American psychiatrist, executive coach, and author, pioneered techniques in empathy, crisis intervention, and communication. Explore his life, ideas, and inspiring quotes.

Introduction

Mark Goulston was a psychiatrist, consultant, coach, and author whose work centered on helping people connect, heal, and communicate more deeply. He is especially known for his concept of “surgical empathy”, training executives, negotiators, and individuals to break through emotional barriers. His books, media presence, and coaching legacy helped thousands improve relationships, leadership, and mental well-being.

Though many people refer to him as a psychologist, he trained and worked as a psychiatrist (a medical doctor). In December 2023, Goulston passed away, leaving behind a rich legacy.

Early Life and Education

Mark Goulston was born on February 21, 1948, in Boston, Massachusetts. His father, Irving Goulston, rose from being a bookkeeper to controller and CFO at United Liquors; his mother, Ruth, was a homemaker and also ran a small shop.

Goulston advanced academically early: he skipped a grade and graduated early from Newton South High School. He first attended the University of Vermont, then transferred to the University of California, Berkeley, earning his B.A. in 1969 (major in Zoology).

He then entered Boston University School of Medicine, earning his M.D. in 1976 (after overcoming personal challenges including mental health struggles). Goulston did his internship at Harbor General Hospital in Torrance, California, and then his psychiatric residency at UCLA’s Neuropsychiatric Institute.

He later served as Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA for over 20 years.

Career and Contributions

Psychiatric Practice & Crisis Work

Early in his career, Goulston focused on suicide prevention, death and dying, depression, PTSD, and crises. He made psychiatric house calls (including caring for terminal patients), working with families and couples in crisis.

From this clinical work he developed his approach of empathy plus listening as therapeutic tools—not just as accompaniment to medication or other interventions.

Consultancy, Coaching, and Negotiation

Goulston expanded his scope beyond clinical practice. He trained as a hostage negotiation instructor for FBI & police forces. He became a consultant, coach, and speaker for corporations, universities, and other organizations—helping them improve leadership, communication, conflict resolution, and engagement.

In 2015, he founded The Goulston Group to help organizations build greater buy-in, deeper engagement, and more effective leadership.

He also co-founded the Deeper Coaching Institute (a division of On Global Leadership) and was deeply involved in Heartfelt Leadership, a movement to encourage and empower empathetic leaders.

Books, Media & Influence

Goulston authored and co-authored several influential books, including:

• Get Out of Your Own Way

• Get Out of Your Own Way at Work

• The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship

• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder for Dummies

• Real Influence: Persuade Without Pushing and Gain Without Giving In

• Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone

• Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life

His book Just Listen became a bestseller, translated into many languages, and served as a foundation for a PBS special.

Goulston also wrote for Harvard Business Review, Business Insider, Huffington Post, Psychology Today, and others. He was a regular media expert on television, radio, and in print (e.g. Wall Street Journal, Los Angeles Times, CNN).

He hosted the podcast My Wakeup Call and other media projects, and engaged with mental health dialogues publicly.

Philosophical & Psychological Themes

Surgical Empathy & Listening

One of Goulston’s signature contributions is Surgical Empathy: a focused practice of listening and empathy aimed at breaking through emotional and psychological blockages. A tactic in this method is the “Five Reallys,” where you deeply listen and ask repeatedly, “I understand that, but what’s really going on?” This can coax people into disclosing deeper emotional truths, opening paths to conversation and healing.

He believed that in many difficult interactions, the missing ingredient is not more logic or force, but being deeply heard—without agenda, interruption, or judgment.

Communication, Influence & Leadership

Goulston emphasized that influence is less about persuasion or coercion and more about connection—building trust, listening, and aligning with what people genuinely want or feel. Real Influence is one of his major works on this theme. He taught executives and leaders to be more psychologically attuned, recognizing emotional subtext, and creating environments where people feel safe, seen, and heard.

Vulnerability & Personal Struggle

Goulston was open about his own mental health struggles—he had periods of untreated depression and nearly was asked to withdraw from medical school. In his later years, when he faced a terminal diagnosis (lymphoma), he publicly addressed mortality, recording a series called “I’m Dying to Tell You,” turning his own experience into lessons on life, meaning, connection, and dying well.

Legacy & Impact

Mark Goulston’s legacy lies in how he bridged psychiatry, leadership, communication, and human connection:

• He influenced many individuals, leaders, therapists, negotiators, and organizations through his methods of empathy and listening.

• His books continue to be used in leadership development, coaching, therapy, and communication training.

• His concept of Surgical Empathy remains cited in crisis intervention, mental health work, and interpersonal relations.

• His public openness about vulnerability and mortality offers a model of authentic human leadership, not detached expertise.

Though he passed away on December 30, 2023, his teachings, recorded conversations, and influence endure.

Memorable Quotes by Mark Goulston

Here are some representative quotes that reflect his insight about empathy, listening, healing, and connection:

“You don’t have to be a therapist to see that when you look into people’s eyes and you let go of your own agenda and you try not to get scared, people are screaming to be heard.”

“When someone is struggling, it’s tempting to jump in and offer solutions. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just listen.”

“Forgiveness is accepting the apology you’ll never receive.” (One of his favorite quotes)

“Inside your people is a hunger … to trust you, feel safe with you, admire you, be inspired by you.”

“Listening is the doorway to helping people free themselves from internal emotional barriers.” (Paraphrase of his teaching)

Lessons from Mark Goulston’s Life & Work

1. Deep listening transforms. Many conflicts, emotional blocks, and misunderstandings are resolved or eased simply when people feel genuinely heard.

2. Empathy must be intentional. Goulston showed that empathy isn’t passive—it's active, disciplined, and sometimes interrogative (with patience).

3. Vulnerability strengthens leadership. His willingness to share his own struggles made him more credible and humane, not less.

4. Influence by connection, not coercion. Persuasion is rarely effective by logic alone; people respond when they feel understood.

5. Meaning in mortality. His public engagement with death, dying, and meaning help remind us that how we live, connect, and listen matters deeply.