Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does.

"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up." Ah, James Baldwin, with these words, speaks of a truth often ignored in the fleeting declarations of affection that crowd our minds. We imagine love as a sweet beginning, a perfect union, a flawless connection that flows effortlessly from one soul to another. But love is not this simple. Love is a journey—a battle, a war, a growing up that tests the very core of our being. It does not start with fireworks and end in a gentle fade; no, it begins with a spark and is then forged in the fire of conflict, understanding, and growth.

The great story of Hector and Andromache from The Iliad provides us with a stark illustration of this truth. Hector, the noble Trojan prince, loved his wife Andromache with a devotion that could not be questioned. Yet their love was not without pain. Hector’s love for Andromache was bound by the very realities of war—he was a soldier, fated to fight and perhaps die. Their love was not simply a serene union but a conflict between duty and affection. Hector loved with all his heart, yet the battles he fought, the wars he faced, became part of that very love. His love for Andromache was not without its struggles, nor was it defined by soft moments of affection alone. It was a love tested by the hardest of trials—a war between the soul's desire for peace and the external forces that demanded sacrifice.

Even in the most celebrated of romances, love is often not the quiet, smooth affair we wish it to be. Consider the story of Abelard and Heloise, whose love began as a beautiful intellectual connection, blossoming with the excitement of discovery. Yet, as Abelard was forced into separation from his beloved Heloise, their love became a battlefield—one of profound pain, exile, and yearning. Their love was not confined to soft words and gentle embraces. It was a battle fought against the constraints of society and against the deep personal anguish of lost connection. Love for them was a constant war—a struggle between their intense passion and the forces of fate that sought to tear them apart. True love, in this sense, is always a journey—a growing up into the person one must become to truly love.

There are countless others in history whose love was forged through hardship and tested by trials. Napoleon Bonaparte and Josephine, though their relationship was fraught with infidelity and heartbreak, exemplified a love that was anything but simple. Napoleon’s devotion to Josephine was unwavering, yet it was a love marked by battle, not only on the battlefield but within the heart. They loved fiercely, yet their relationship was not free from conflict, misunderstandings, and loss. The love they shared, though deeply passionate, was also a war—a contest between his ambition and his affection for her. They, too, learned that love is not just a sweet experience; it is a crucible that tests one’s endurance, patience, and growth.

Love, Baldwin tells us, is a growing up, a transformation that demands more of us than we are often ready to give. It is not something that simply appears one day, like a star rising in the sky. Love begins as a spark, but to keep that spark alive requires effort, sacrifice, and the will to continue even when the battle seems too great. It requires growth, as we must learn not only how to love others but how to love ourselves, how to respect and nurture the boundaries that make true love possible. It is not simply about being swept away by emotion, but about making the choice to grow, to understand, and to evolve together, even through pain and conflict.

The lesson to take from Baldwin’s words is this: love is not passive—it is an active force that requires courage, commitment, and wisdom. It does not end when the initial rush of affection fades, nor does it always begin in harmony. Love grows through the battles it faces and the wars it endures. To truly love is to choose each other every day, even when the world, or life itself, seems determined to tear you apart. Love is the foundation of our deepest transformations, the crucible in which we become the people we are meant to be.

Thus, as you journey through life and experience the love that shapes your soul, understand that it will not always be easy. When the battles come, when the challenges arise, remember that they are part of the journey. True love is not a destination, but a path—one that requires strength, resilience, and an unwavering commitment to growth. It is not the soft moments that define it, but the moments of trial, the tests of character, and the commitment to continue. Embrace love as a battle, a war, and above all, as a growing up, for in these challenges, you will find the depth and power of love that will carry you through all of life’s struggles.