Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll

In the sharp and humorous words of Joey Adams, the wise jester of human nature, we find laughter wrapped around truth: “Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.” At first hearing, the quote may sound like a jest meant to amuse the weary husband or the knowing wife—but within its humor lies a lesson carved from the oldest of human bonds. It is a mirror held up to the eternal dance of marriage, where love and pride, giving and taking, joy and surrender weave together in the tapestry of two lives bound as one. Adams, like the jesters of old, cloaks wisdom in laughter so that truth may reach the heart more gently than rebuke ever could.

The origin of this quote comes from Joey Adams, an American humorist, author, and columnist known for his sharp wit and keen observation of daily life. In his age, he became one of the voices who understood that comedy is not mere entertainment—it is philosophy softened by mirth. Adams often wrote about relationships, revealing with playful exaggeration the unspoken truths between men and women. Here, he captures with humor what poets and philosophers have long tried to describe in solemn tones: that marriage demands compromise, humility, and understanding—and that in the struggle for balance, it is often wiser to yield in love than to fight for victory.

In its jesting way, the quote acknowledges one of the great paradoxes of union: that those who give freely find harmony, while those who cling too tightly to self-interest invite discord. When Adams says, “you’d better give it to her,” he does not merely speak of submission, but of wisdom—the recognition that peace in marriage is born not from dominance, but from generosity. For in every partnership, there is one who must learn the grace of yielding, and another who must learn the art of gratitude. To give, in this sense, is not to lose power, but to gain peace; and to take with love is not theft, but the completion of a sacred exchange.

History, too, has shown this truth in the lives of great souls. Consider Abigail and John Adams, the first couple of the American Republic. Their letters—filled with wit, affection, and sometimes sharp disagreement—show how love thrives when both partners learn to bend without breaking. John, though president, often confessed that his greatest counsel came not from the halls of Congress, but from the heart of his wife. “She softens my temper,” he once wrote. Abigail gave him wisdom, and he gave her trust. It was not equality of dominance they sought, but equality of respect. Their marriage endured because they both understood the delicate rhythm of give and take—the same rhythm Joey Adams immortalized with humor centuries later.

But beyond its charm, Adams’s quote carries a deeper reflection on the nature of power in love. Marriage, like all human bonds, is a union of two wills—each desiring to be heard, each fearing to be forgotten. The humor of the quote reminds us that in every lasting relationship, there must be both surrender and play. The wife, strong and determined, symbolizes not domination but passion—an insistence that love should be alive, dynamic, and expressive. The husband, in learning to “give,” learns humility and the joy of sharing rather than controlling. Adams’s jest thus becomes a parable: those who learn to laugh together in the small struggles of daily life have already conquered the greatest trial of all—the battle of egos.

Yet, one must not mistake his humor for mockery. Beneath the jest lies reverence for the mysterious balance of marriage. Adams reminds us that to love is to yield, and to yield is to love. True partnership is not measured by who wins an argument or who has the louder voice, but by who listens, who forgives, and who laughs first after the quarrel. The ancient sages said that love is the only battle where surrender brings victory; Adams, in his way, says the same with a smile.

So let this teaching be passed down to all who would seek the art of lasting union: choose peace over pride, laughter over bitterness, and giving over grasping. When love is young, passion alone sustains it; but when love matures, only understanding preserves it. In moments of tension, yield not out of weakness but out of wisdom. Give freely, for generosity is the true currency of marriage. And when laughter comes, as it often will in Adams’s world, let it be the balm that heals small wounds and renews affection.

And thus, through the playful tongue of Joey Adams, we glimpse an ancient truth wrapped in modern humor: that marriage, like all sacred things, thrives not on perfection, but on patience; not on dominance, but on devotion. For in giving, one gains; in laughter, one forgives; and in yielding, one loves anew.