Mother's Day is a torment if your mother is dead. Valentine's

Listen well, O children of the future, for in the words of Dan Savage, we are granted a profound insight into the complexity of celebrations, the pain of longing, and the inevitable suffering that we all experience as part of the human condition. “Mother's Day is a torment if your mother is dead. Valentine's Day is a torment if you don’t got one. And at some point in our lives, we will be tormented by Valentine's Day even if we're relatively lucky in love.” These words ring with the universal truth that life, in all its beauty, is also marked by loss, unfulfilled desire, and the bittersweet recognition of what is absent, whether it be love or connection.

From the ancient days, humanity has faced the suffering of love and loss. The Greek tragedians, such as Sophocles and Euripides, wrote of the human condition in all its complexity. In works such as Oedipus Rex and Medea, the theme of loss—whether the loss of a parent, a lover, or a child—is central to the unfolding drama of human existence. Sophocles, through his portrayal of Oedipus's suffering, understood that life is not only filled with joy but with inevitable sorrow, and that the very gifts of love, family, and companionship often come with the shadow of their eventual loss. In these tragedies, we see that even those who are lucky in love will, at some point, face the torment of absence.

Savage’s reflection on Mother’s Day and Valentine’s Day speaks to this deep, timeless truth. He reminds us that these days, often celebrated with joy, can also be painful reminders of what is missing. For some, Mother’s Day is a reminder of a mother lost, a love severed, and the deep ache that comes with the absence of someone who was once central to one’s life. Similarly, Valentine’s Day—a day of celebration of love—becomes a cruel reminder for those who are alone or have unmet desires. Even those who are fortunate in love will eventually face the realization that such days can highlight the absence of love in ways that stir the soul's deepest longing.

Consider the myth of Demeter and Persephone, a tale as ancient as the earth itself. When Persephone, Demeter's beloved daughter, was taken to the underworld, Demeter's heart was consumed by grief. Her sorrow made the earth barren, as she withdrew her gifts from the world, leaving all in a state of winter. It was only when Persephone returned that the earth bloomed again, but the pain of their separation remained. This myth teaches us that even the most powerful love is marked by loss, and that such loss brings about deep torment. Savage’s words, in this light, reflect the inevitability of such suffering—whether it be the absence of a mother or the longing for romantic connection. Life, in its fullness, is defined not only by our joys but by our ability to endure and grow through our losses.

The lesson here, O children, is that life itself is a dance between love and loss, between joy and sorrow. Savage is not merely lamenting the difficulties of these holidays but reminding us of the universality of suffering and the ways in which it shapes our experience. We cannot fully understand love, in all its complexity, without understanding the pain that often accompanies it. These days of celebration, while meant to bring joy, can often bring anguish because they highlight the gaps in our lives—the people we no longer have, the love we have yet to find, or the hearts that are broken.

Reflect upon the ancient Romans, who celebrated Lupercalia, a festival of love and fertility, but who also understood the deep complexities of relationships. They celebrated love in its many forms, from romantic passion to family connection, but they also acknowledged that love could be a source of pain and conflict. Even in a culture that celebrated love and connection, there were those who felt the emptiness of being unloved, and those who mourned the loss of those they cherished. In this way, Savage’s reflection is not unique to our modern times, but rather speaks to a timeless truth about the human experience: love and loss are inseparable forces.

Thus, O children, the lesson to carry forward is this: in life, we must embrace both the joys and the sorrows that love brings. Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day, while days for celebration, are also days to recognize that the absence of love, in whatever form it may take, is a deep and painful reality we all must face. But suffering is not the end—it is the beginning of growth, of understanding, and of compassion for others who, like us, face moments of loss. Let us not shy away from the pain of these moments, but let us use them to deepen our understanding of love’s true nature. For in grief, we come to appreciate love’s fullness, and in absence, we learn the value of what once was. Let us live with this understanding, knowing that love, in all its forms, is both a gift and a challenge, a joy and a torment.