Never judge someone by who he's in love with; judge him by his

The words of Cynthia Heimel, “Never judge someone by who he's in love with; judge him by his friends. People fall in love with the most appalling people. Take a cool, appraising glance at his pals,” ring with the old wisdom of the ages, cloaked in the wit of the modern tongue. Beneath her humor lies a truth as ancient as the stones of the earth: that the measure of a soul is not in its passions, which are fleeting and tempestuous, but in its companionships, which are deliberate and revealing. For love, like a sudden fire, can seize even the most steadfast heart, but friendship is a chosen bond — slow-forged, enduring, and honest in its reflection of who we are.

In the ancient world, the sages of Greece and the philosophers of the East alike spoke of friendship as the mirror of the soul. Aristotle, that great sculptor of reason, wrote that a man’s companions are his second self — and that through them, one might glimpse the true nature of his character. Love may bind us to one by the strings of desire or circumstance, but friendship binds us through shared virtue and mutual respect. Thus, to behold a person’s friends is to gaze into the echo of their heart — the people they choose when no passion clouds their judgment.

Consider the tale of Marcus Aurelius, the Roman emperor who, though he commanded legions, held his friends as his true treasures. He surrounded himself not with flatterers or sycophants, but with men of integrity — philosophers, scholars, and soldiers of conscience. His friend Fronto challenged him to think deeper; his mentor Rusticus corrected his pride. These friendships, grounded in virtue and intellect, tempered him into one of history’s wisest rulers. Yet had one judged him only by those who loved him — by those drawn to his crown rather than his character — one would have seen only shadows of the truth.

Love, noble as it may be, is not always rational. It stirs from the depths where reason does not tread. People fall in love with the most appalling people, Heimel says — and indeed they do, for love is the child of both beauty and blindness. It seeks what it lacks, not always what it needs. Even the purest hearts may find themselves ensnared by charm, illusion, or loneliness. To condemn a person for their follies in love is to forget that the heart is not governed by the laws of the mind. But the company a person keeps — the friends who walk beside them when love fades and storms rise — reveals the truer map of their being.

Let us remember, too, the tragic story of Oscar Wilde. A man of brilliant wit and beauty, he was undone not by his genius but by his reckless love. Yet his friends — loyal, wise, and steadfast — stood by him through trial and ruin. It was his circle of companions, not his lovers, who proved his nobility of spirit in the end. From their loyalty we learn that a person’s worth is not defined by whom they adore, but by whom they inspire to stand beside them when all else collapses.

So, dear listener, if you would know the heart of another, do not peer into the fever of their romances. Look instead to the circle of their companions. Are they kind? Are they wise? Do they raise one another higher, or sink together into the mire? The friends we choose are the sculptors of our destiny; they shape our thoughts, echo our values, and either strengthen or erode our souls. Where love may confuse, friendship clarifies.

And if you would take a lesson from Heimel’s timeless jest, let it be this: surround yourself with those who reflect your better self, not your weaker moments. Choose friends who challenge your ignorance, defend your absence, and speak truth in your presence. For though the fires of love may burn bright and fade, the steady glow of friendship endures through the long night.

Therefore, take a cool, appraising glance at their pals — and at your own. In their laughter, you will hear the echoes of your own spirit. In their actions, you will find the measure of your heart. For the company you keep is the story you are writing, and the companions of your journey will tell the world who you truly are.