Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love

“Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” Thus spoke Alan Watts, the philosopher who bridged the wisdom of East and West — a man who taught that the deepest truths cannot be forced, and that love, like life itself, flows only from sincerity. In this saying, he reminds us of an eternal law: that love cannot be manufactured by will, nor imitated by words, nor conjured by duty. To pretend to love, he warns, is to wound both the soul and the sacredness of love itself. For love, like the wind, cannot be captured in our grasp; it must come freely, or not at all.

To understand his teaching, one must first understand what love meant to Watts — not merely affection or attachment, but the living current of the universe, the bond that unites all things. In the traditions of Zen and Taoism that inspired him, love is not a command but a grace, arising from the harmony between being and becoming. It is the spontaneous unfolding of connection, like the bloom of a flower or the laughter of a child. When we pretend to love — when we act out affection for the sake of convenience, fear, or pride — we violate this harmony. We trade the sacred for the false, the living flame for the imitation of light.

The philosopher’s words were born from a lifetime of reflection upon authenticity — a truth that the ancients also held dear. The Greek sage Socrates taught that “the unexamined life is not worth living,” and by this he meant that one must never live in pretense, never speak what the heart does not affirm. Watts, in his own way, extends this teaching to love itself. To pretend affection is to live a lie, to build a home on sand. For love is a sacred language of the soul, and when it is spoken falsely, it loses its power. A word of love without truth is like a song without melody — hollow, echoing, and soon forgotten.

History, too, bears witness to this wisdom. Consider the story of Anne Boleyn and King Henry VIII. Their union began in passion but ended in tragedy, not because love had never existed, but because it was soon replaced by ambition, deceit, and fear. When love became a pretense — a tool for power rather than a truth of the heart — destruction followed. In that royal court, love was commanded, performed, and manipulated, yet none of it could save either heart from ruin. Their tale stands as a warning: that when love is used as a mask, it becomes poison. For love cannot be possessed, demanded, or decreed — it must be freely given, or it is not love at all.

Watts also reminds us that love is not ours to command — it belongs to the greater mystery of life itself. Just as we cannot command the sun to rise or the tide to turn, so we cannot summon love by desire alone. It appears unbidden, like dawn after darkness, or vanishes when grasped too tightly. This truth humbles us, for it reminds us that we are not masters of our hearts, but servants of a higher rhythm. The wise accept this with grace, allowing love to come and go as the seasons do. The foolish, in their pride, try to control it — and in doing so, they drive it away.

And yet, in this teaching there is not despair, but liberation. For if love is not ours to command, neither is it ours to lose. When love departs, it is not punishment but transformation — a sign that life is moving us toward another lesson, another awakening. The heart that has loved truthfully is never empty, for every act of genuine love expands the soul. To live honestly in love — to say “yes” when the heart says yes, and to say “no” when it does not — is to walk in freedom. Pretending love out of obligation or fear traps the spirit; living truthfully releases it into peace.

So, my child, take these words into your heart: never pretend to love, for to do so is to betray both yourself and the sacredness of another. If love dwells within you, nurture it tenderly; if it does not, do not counterfeit it. Speak honestly, act kindly, and allow life to flow as it must. Do not chase love, nor force it, but prepare yourself to receive it — with humility, patience, and openness. For when love comes, it will come as it was meant to: unbidden, radiant, and real.

And remember always: love is a gift, not a command. It comes to those who live truthfully, and it stays with those who honor it in honesty. Pretend love fades like mist before the sun, but true love — born of sincerity and surrender — endures beyond time. Thus, live not in pretense, but in truth, and the love meant for you will find you, as effortlessly as the river finds the sea.