So many women today have become so focused on their children

In the words of Ayelet Waldman, “So many women today have become so focused on their children, they've developed these romantic entanglements with their children's lives, and the husbands are secondary. They're left out. And the romantic focus is on the children.” Here we hear not a condemnation, but a lament, a cry that reveals the shifting balance of love within the family. The words speak of devotion, but also of disarray, for what was once shared between partners has, in many homes, been redirected wholly toward the child. And while love of children is sacred and eternal, the neglect of the bond between man and woman brings a hidden sorrow, unseen yet heavy.

The ancients understood well that harmony in the household was the foundation of strength in the world. In the wisdom of Confucius, it was taught that if the family was in balance, the kingdom itself would prosper. Husband and wife, united in respect and affection, formed the pillar upon which the lives of their children could be built. If that pillar weakens, if the husband is left abandoned while the wife’s entire heart cleaves only to the child, then the structure leans, and cracks begin to form. The intention is noble, but the outcome can be tragic.

History offers us many warnings of such imbalance. In the courts of Europe, kings and queens often lavished all their affection upon heirs, neglecting the marriage bond. Catherine de’ Medici of France was so consumed with the political fates of her sons that her marriage to Henry II was loveless, and her court became a nest of intrigues. Though her children were her passion, her marriage withered, and the stability of the realm suffered. Her story shows us the truth in Waldman’s words: when the romantic entanglement of the parent is misplaced, the foundation of the family trembles, and its effects ripple outward.

And yet, we must not judge harshly. For the love of a mother for her child is fierce, ancient, and selfless. It is natural that a woman, beholding the vulnerable life she bore, pours herself wholly into its care. But the wisdom here is that such love must not eclipse all others. The child thrives not only from a mother’s devotion, but from witnessing the enduring romantic focus between the parents. When husband and wife honor each other, the child learns the pattern of love that sustains a lifetime. To deprive the marriage of affection is, in truth, to deprive the child of that example.

Thus, the teaching becomes clear: do not confuse the hierarchy of love. Love your children, yes, with unbounded devotion, but guard also the sacred flame of the marriage bond. It is not selfish for a woman—or a man—to give the husband or wife priority in romance. Rather, it is wise, for from that strength flows all other love. A tree must water its roots if it wishes to bear fruit; so too must a family nourish the bond of the parents if it wishes to raise children strong and whole.

The lesson to carry forward is this: let balance guide you. Devotion to children should not become possession. Do not weave your own unfulfilled longings into their lives, nor bind your romantic entanglements to them, for they are not meant to bear the weight of that role. Instead, cultivate romance and respect within the marriage, so that the household stands as a sanctuary where children learn from the union, not from misplaced longing.

And what should you do in your daily life? Set aside time for your partner, even amidst the duties of parenthood. Speak words of love, share in laughter, create moments of intimacy that remind both of you that before there were children, there was a union. Teach your children by example that romantic love between parents is a source of joy, not neglect. In this way, the family remains whole, the children grow secure, and the marriage becomes not secondary but central—the living heart from which all else flows.