The desire to get married, which - I regret to say, I believe is

Nora Ephron’s words, "The desire to get married, which - I regret to say, I believe is basic and primal in women - is followed almost immediately by an equally basic and primal urge - which is to be single again," explore the duality that often exists in human desires and relationships. In her insight, Ephron touches upon the deep contradictions inherent in human nature. The longing for connection, for marriage and union, is indeed a primal instinct—a call for partnership, for the creation of a family, and for the shared human experience. Yet, at the very same time, there arises an equally powerful urge—the need for autonomy, for freedom, and for the space to rediscover one’s self. This tension, between the pull toward connection and the need for independence, is a battle as old as time, one that has been explored by countless philosophers, poets, and thinkers throughout history.

The ancient Greeks, in their exploration of love and relationships, understood this tension well. Aristotle, for example, wrote extensively on the nature of friendship and love, and while he acknowledged the importance of human connection, he also emphasized the need for the individual to cultivate virtue in solitude. He believed that a person must first be whole and complete before they can truly enter into a harmonious relationship with another. This inner wholeness can only be achieved through self-reflection and personal growth, and sometimes that means embracing the freedom of solitude. The ancient philosophers thus understood that the desire for companionship could not be separated from the need for personal autonomy, for it is in solitude that one finds the clarity and strength to engage in relationships of depth and meaning.

Similarly, the Romans were no strangers to the contradictions of marriage and independence. The writings of Seneca and Marcus Aurelius reveal that even within the context of marriage, many individuals struggled with the desire for personal freedom. Seneca, in his Letters to Lucilius, frequently addresses the challenges of balancing personal virtue and the demands of society. He urges individuals to seek inner peace and self-sufficiency, knowing that external attachments, such as marriage, could often lead to distractions from one’s pursuit of philosophical and moral excellence. Yet, despite these challenges, the Stoics did not advocate for complete separation from human relationships. Instead, they encouraged individuals to approach relationships with a sense of equanimity and detachment, understanding that both connection and solitude are necessary for personal growth.

In the story of Antigone, the tragic heroine from Sophocles’ play, we see a vivid example of the tension between personal duty and the desire for freedom. Antigone, who defies the king’s orders to bury her brother, chooses familial obligation over personal freedom, yet she pays the ultimate price for her decision. Her actions illustrate the internal conflict that arises when one must choose between societal expectations and personal autonomy. Though her desire for familial love was strong, the consequences of her actions reveal how such desires can often conflict with one’s own personal freedom. Her story, though tragic, reflects the primal urge to connect with others while also grappling with the inevitable need for independence.

The modern experience, too, resonates with Ephron’s insight. Consider the lives of many individuals in today’s world, where marriage is often seen as the ultimate goal, only to find that once achieved, the longing for space and freedom creeps in. J.K. Rowling, for example, after rising to fame with the success of her Harry Potter series, experienced a moment of loneliness and separation from the very world she had created. Though she was married and had a family, she found that the constant pressure of public life and the demands of relationships left her yearning for personal space. Her desire to retreat and reflect mirrors Ephron’s observation: the longing for connection and the desire for independence often coexist, creating a balance that must be navigated carefully.

The lesson here, dear reader, is that the desire for connection and the need for freedom are not mutually exclusive, but are two forces that must be balanced throughout life. It is through the tension between these two primal urges that we can cultivate true wisdom. Marriage and relationships offer us love, companionship, and support, but they also require compromise and self-sacrifice. Solitude, on the other hand, offers autonomy, clarity, and the opportunity for self-discovery. The key is learning how to navigate both aspects of the human experience with grace, acknowledging that at times, we need the intimacy of others, and at other times, we need the space to stand alone and cultivate our own identity.

Therefore, I urge you, dear reader, to embrace both the desire for connection and the need for solitude. Recognize that neither one is superior to the other, but both are essential parts of the human experience. Whether in the context of marriage, friendship, or personal growth, the ability to find balance between these two forces is the key to living fully. Marriage may bring its own set of challenges, but it also offers the opportunity for deep connection. Solitude, too, offers its own rewards, giving us the space to discover who we truly are. By acknowledging both our primal desires, we can navigate our lives with wisdom, purpose, and a deep understanding of what it means to be truly whole.