Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg was a renowned American comedian known for his unique delivery and surreal one-liners. His style of comedy often involved wordplay, absurd observations, and a dry, almost deadpan delivery. Hedberg was born on February 24, 1968, and tragically passed away on March 30, 2005, at the age of 37.

His work remains influential in the world of comedy, and many of his jokes have become iconic. Some of his most famous quotes include:

  • "I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too."

  • "I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."

  • "I got a king-sized bed. I don't know how that happened. I bought a queen-sized bed, but it was the same price as the king-sized bed, so I thought, ‘Why not get the king-sized bed?’ That’s a pretty good deal."

Hedberg's unique comedic voice has left a lasting impact, and his work continues to be appreciated by comedy fans around the world.

Articles by the author

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Mitch Hedberg

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Mitch Hedberg

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Mitch Hedberg

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Mitch Hedberg

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

Mitch Hedberg

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

Mitch Hedberg

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Mitch Hedberg

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

Mitch Hedberg

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Mitch Hedberg

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

Mitch Hedberg

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Mitch Hedberg

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

Mitch Hedberg

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Mitch Hedberg

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

Mitch Hedberg

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Mitch Hedberg