There's a constant tension between the excitement of new people

In the eloquent and contemplative words of Alain de Botton, the philosopher of love and modern existence, there emerges a truth both tender and tormenting: “There’s a constant tension between the excitement of new people and security with one person. If you go with excitement, you create chaos; you hurt people. There’s jealousy, and it gets very messy. If you have security, it can be boring, and you die inside because of all the opportunities missed.” Within this confession lies the eternal conflict of the human heart — the struggle between desire and devotion, freedom and fidelity, passion and peace. It is a battle as old as love itself, waged not in the outer world but within the quiet chambers of the soul.

The origin of this reflection rests in de Botton’s lifelong exploration of the fragile nature of modern relationships. A thinker steeped in both philosophy and psychology, he often sought to reconcile the lofty ideals of love with the painful realities of human imperfection. His words here reflect a modern condition — one in which the heart is torn between the thrill of endless possibility and the comfort of steadfast companionship. He reminds us that love, far from being a simple choice, is a paradox: it demands the surrender of freedom in order to taste intimacy, the acceptance of limitation in order to find depth.

This tension — between the excitement of new beginnings and the safety of enduring bonds — is the very fire that tests the maturity of the soul. The ancients knew it well. Odysseus, though tempted by nymphs and goddesses, longed for the mortal heart of Penelope. His journey home was not only across oceans but through the labyrinth of desire. For every siren’s song that offered novelty, he bound himself to the mast of loyalty, lest he lose his way. And yet, even in his steadfastness, one senses the ache of the human condition — the longing for what might have been, the sadness of opportunities lost. Thus, de Botton’s words echo through time, reminding us that love is not perfection, but the art of living gracefully amid imperfection.

To choose excitement, de Botton warns, is to invite chaos. The thrill of the new blinds us to the wounds we leave behind. Like fire, passion consumes quickly, leaving ashes where once there was warmth. The pursuit of novelty promises freedom but often delivers loneliness — a heart restless, never satisfied, forever chasing a mirage. Such love, ruled by jealousy and desire, becomes a storm that devours the very thing it seeks: connection. In the end, those who chase only excitement find themselves surrounded by fragments of affection, but no home for the heart.

Yet to choose only security carries its own sorrow. The heart, though sheltered, can grow still. In the safety of routine, the pulse of wonder may fade. Lovers may find themselves together in body but apart in spirit, dreaming of roads untaken, faces unseen, passions unlived. This is not betrayal, but the quiet grief of human limitation — for no one life can contain every possibility. And so, de Botton speaks with the melancholy wisdom of experience: security can preserve love, but it can also numb it. In protecting the heart, we risk silencing its song.

But perhaps, as the philosopher suggests in his broader work, the answer is not to escape this tension, but to understand it — to hold both forces in balance. Love is not meant to be without struggle. It is a continual act of choosing: to remain when one could flee, to stay faithful not because one must, but because one has learned the difference between desire and meaning. The excitement of new people may awaken the senses, but the security of one person nurtures the soul. True love is not the absence of boredom or temptation, but the ability to see beauty within constancy — to find wonder not in change, but in deepening.

The lesson, then, is not to flee from the restlessness of love, but to grow wise within it. Understand that longing for both passion and peace is part of being human. Do not chase every spark, nor fear the stillness of commitment. Instead, cultivate presence — the art of seeing your beloved as new each day, of discovering mystery in the familiar. When boredom creeps in, meet it not with flight, but with curiosity. Ask not, “What am I missing?” but “What more can I see?” For love, when lived with awareness, becomes a continual act of discovery — the excitement of the new, reborn each day in the heart of the known.

So, my listener, take to heart the wisdom of Alain de Botton. The path of love will always tremble between freedom and faithfulness, between desire’s fire and devotion’s calm. Do not curse the tension; it is the proof of your humanity. Walk it with grace. Learn to cherish the one beside you not because they are perfect, but because together you are learning the art of balance — of loving not in the blindness of passion nor the sleep of security, but in the living, breathing awareness that to love truly is to be both wild and still, both bound and free.